On today’s episode, we’ll be sharing a story of recovery. Dr. Karen Nelson is joined by Jason Searcy who will take us through his daughter’s journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery.
On today’s episode, we’ll be sharing a story of recovery. Dr. Karen Nelson is joined by Jason Searcy who will take us through his daughter’s journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery.
For a transcript of this episode click here.
Dr. Karen Nelson 00:02
Eating Disorders thrive in secrecy and shame. It's when we create a safe space for honest conversation that will find the opportunity for healing.
Dr. Karen Nelson 00:12
Hi there. I'm Dr. Karen Nelson, licensed clinical psychologist at Melrose center, welcoming you to Melrose Heals, a conversation about eating disorders, a podcast designed to explore, discuss, and understand eating disorders and mental health. On today's episode, we'll be sharing a story of recovery. I'm joined by Jason Searcy, who will take us through his daughter's journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery.
Dr. Karen Nelson 00:43
Now, before I begin, I invite you to take a deep breath. And join me in this space.
Dr. Karen Nelson 00:54
Welcome to the podcast. Jason, I'm so happy to have you here with me. Thank you. Well, I'm so looking forward to having a conversation about your daughter's eating disorder journey from your perspective as her dad.
Jason Searcy 01:06 Yeah, I'm, I'm happy to be here. I want to help people as much as I can, as far as you know what I went through. But, you know, Belle said, it's okay to talk about her. That's, that's, that's why we're here.
Dr. Karen Nelson 01:19 I love it. So full disclosure, right? Your daughter has given us permission to talk about her eating disorder, struggle and recovery from your perspective as her dad. But let's maybe start at the beginning. Tell us about your daughter, and what it was like before the eating disorder showed up.
Jason Searcy 01:41
When everyone I think thinks their kid is the best, right?
Dr. Karen Nelson 01:43 Of course, you know, I hope we think that.
Jason Searcy 01:49
But I feel mine was the best of all time is just a Belle and I had a great relationship growing up, I guess I kind of knew that Belle was going to be my only kid. And so I just felt that way. And so I really spent a lot of time enjoying every moment of the entire process. You know, when she was little, we would play together all the time. I'm a truck driver. And so long days working, I usually go to work before she woke up, I'd be home, you know, six o'clock at night. By the time I got home, she was raring to go, she couldn't wait for me to get home. And we would play and have a blast. I mean, every day, that's what we did. And we both look forward to that a lot. So when this all began, was when she was about eighth grade. And I knew that she was going to need more independence, I could see it coming. You know, she starts hanging around with friends more, not dad isn't number one priority anymore. I started coming, I knew this was coming. I was like, Okay, I'm gonna enjoy this part as well. You know, let her have some independence, you know, step back a little bit. She wants to be her own person, I get it. And so it just caught me off guard so much, because I felt like I was doing the right thing by letting her have her independence. But as it turned out, she was led down the wrong path. And I didn't see it. And it's funny because people say will happen so quickly. But yet it happens. So gradually, you don't notice it. I didn't notice her weight loss. Because it happens so slowly when it when it's happening, right? She started off by she's saying, I'd like to, you know, get more into fitness or be more healthy. All of a sudden I get home and she's running on the treadmill. I'm like, wow, okay, well, that's cool. I don't do that. But that's cool if she wants to do that. But it kind of snowballed and became an obsession for her. And I didn't catch it. That's right away.
Dr. Karen Nelson 03:59 That's right. Well, I love how you talk about, you know, some of those natural transitions of kind of attention and support that our kids need, right? I mean, what we know about kind of rates of eating disorder, and the development of eating disorders is that often, especially in women, they are in young girls, they are developing in those kinds of transition spaces. So you know, into puberty and into, you know, teenage years, right, how much our bodies are changing all the messages that we're getting about how girls and women should look and then that natural place of it's it's their kind of job to separate from us as parents even if it hurts us right as parents to be like, I'm cool like you don't you want to hang out with me, right?
Jason Searcy 04:46 But I felt like I was I felt like I was doing the right thing by giving her the dependence and dependents. But it didn't work out that way. And it became an obsession for her and how it actually happened that this was revealed to me, was that someone at church approached me? And she said, Jason, I need to talk to you about Belle. I think Belle has an eating disorder. And I was like, What are you talking about? Like? No, I think she does. I talked to her, and she admitted it to me.
Jason Searcy 05:19 I was just shocked. You know, I was, I didn't know what to say or think. And that's what got the ball rolling in the right direction. For us.
Dr. Karen Nelson 05:32 I love that you bring that up, Jason about, you know, sometimes when we're, we're so close to some of the disorder, we can't really see it clearly. And we just really love our kids, and we want to support them. And there isn't anything inherently wrong with, you know, wanting to, quote, be healthy or to get my body strong, right? Not everybody who exercises has an eating disorder, right, we want to be very clear about that. And sometimes, as those changes happen, incrementally, we can't see them clearly. And so the beauty of having loving friends and family that love our kids, right, and want them to do well. And your openness as a parent to be able to, to maybe first shock, but then really sit with it and hear it feels really, really important. Tell me about when you know, some of those things that you learned that Bellee was doing as far as kind of what was she doing as far as eating disorder behaviors. Tell me about that.
Jason Searcy 06:39 Well, skipping meals, right, she was skipping meals, she wasn't eating at school. And she was exercising too much. She was getting obsessed with food. It was just becoming unhealthy in a way that she was losing so much weight, and it just got worse and worse. And so when we finally realized there was a problem, then we had to try to deal with it. And where my trust of Belle worked against me, because I was assuming that she was always telling me the truth. And the big moment for me. And when it really set on set in with me is when we did a group family therapy session. And the therapist said to me, this is hard for me to get through.
Dr. Karen Nelson 07:31 There's so much emotion attached to all of it, Jason.
Jason Searcy 07:38 So what I have to remember, this helps me get through this. Is that Belle is good. She's good. Now she's recovered. So the therapist said to me, Jason, do you think Belle is lying to you, as she would she lie to you? And I said, No. I trust her fully. She would not lie to me. Therapist looked at Belle and said, Belle, do you lie to your dad? She said, I've been lying for a long time.
Dr. Karen Nelson 08:16 And I think it's important, you know, as you kind of recount that story of acknowledging, you know, sometimes it's helpful when we talk about the eating disorder as being we kind of personify it, you know, some people call their eating disorder, Ed. And the reason why we do that is to acknowledge that the eating disorder isn't your daughter. The eating disorder has a very different agenda. Its agenda is to keep you sick and stuck. And its agenda is to lie and deceive, and to maintain itself. Because the reality is, the more I talk about it, and name it and confront it, the less I'm able to use it. And so Bellee was lying in order to maintain the eating disorder. Belle wasn't lying, the eating disorder was lying. And so what a powerful moment, just painful, but powerful. Was that a transition moment for you and Belle in that, you know, therapy room for you to discover? I've been lying a long time, Dad.
Jason Searcy 09:23 Yeah, that was the moment that it hit me. It was the worst moment of my life. But it became the best because that's when everything changed. That's when we realized that as parents, we have to be the boss from now on. Because there's no more negotiating any anymore. There's no more saying, Oh, that's okay. That's when we figured out that we have to take the reins on this. And through therapy sessions. We did negotiate in those sessions. So what was going to be done? And everyone agreed to it. So then you had to stick with that. And that was one of the hardest things ever. If there was, if it was just me, I wouldn't have been able to do it. So it was hard. It was everyone, it was everyone. And so, as a team, we could tackle the eating disorder together. But for one person to battle it, is, it's really, really hard. When we agreed to what the parameters of her recovery was going to look like, then it was just the hard work of doing it. So that was, it was the most important moment.
Dr. Karen Nelson 10:56 Let's maybe back up and talk about, you know, that process of, you know, this lovely person in your life, you know, approached you and says, Hey, you know, I think something might be going on with bow. And then you make that really courageous decision to access help and treatment. Tell us what do you remember about, you know, those early diagnosis through Melrose and, you know, some of those early moments in treatment through Melrose?
Jason Searcy 11:24 Well, it wasn't fun, it wasn't fun. Unfortunately, we caught it late. And so by the time she was assessed, she had to be in-patient, immediately. But by that time, we were exhausted from arguing, and not physically arguing, but just this intense negotiation, which was not working. And it seemed hopeless, it seemed hopeless.
Dr. Karen Nelson 11:56 I'll take a pause and just describe for our listeners if they're unsure of what in-patient means. So when someone calls in for an assessment at Melrose, depending on the symptoms that you're describing to our intake coordinator, they're going to match you with an appropriate caregiver to do the assessment to determine if you meet criteria for an eating disorder. And so I would imagine, based on information that you shared with one of our intake coordinators, they determined that bow needed to see most likely a medical doctor. So her intake was most likely done, am I right with a medical doctor or a medical staff. And so at assessment, your child or loved one will, it will be determined what level of care they need. Now, most people as we mentioned before, on the podcast, most people can be helped through outpatient therapy, meaning they return home and they start therapy with a therapist psychologist with a dietitian with their full team. However, there are instances where people do need in-patient care, so they need to be admitted into the hospital, to restore and gain weight basically, or to manage another way to say it is to manage the eating disorder behavior to interrupt that pattern of severe restriction that potentially was happening for Belle. Because I love that you bring up you know, trying to negotiate or plead with someone who's in the midst of their eating disorder to eat. Eating disorders are not logical. So we're never going to win that fight. Right. And so we really do need specialized care, not only through the form of, you know, therapists, dieticians, sometimes that specialized care includes inpatient care, so being admitted to the hospital with a full team that starts to support your loved one in healing from their eating disorder. What do you remember about any conversations that you had with bowel when that diagnosis was given? And then the recommendation to go into the intensive residential program? What was that like for her?
Jason Searcy 14:04 The funny thing is, I talked to Belle about this. And remember, she's recovered. Now. That's the good news. So she's living a normal, healthy life. And I talked to her about this. And you know what she said to me, Dad, I don't remember much about that. I don't remember much about when she was in the bad parts of it. So I think a lot of people think this is going to scar them for life. Or they'll never get over this. That's not the case. For us. Belle truthfully says it's a blur. I barely remember it.
Dr. Karen Nelson 14:44 Well, especially when our body you know, we have a lot of information about what our bodies need to kind of, you know, function at their best. And nutrition is one of those key factors. When my body isn't nourished. We know that our brain isn't thinking in that kind of, you know, effective way. And so I love that you bring that up, because many of my patients share, you know, we'll talk in individual therapy, I'll bring something up like, do you remember when we first met? They may say, I don't actually, I don't remember those early appointments, and that was her experience. Well take us through. So after that initial diagnosis, and then the recommendation, then, you know, once you're in intensive residential, which is determined by your team, you are then discharged to outpatient therapy, what do you remember about when it was, you know, recommended? Okay, Belle's in a place where she can now return home and resume or continue, I should say, not resume, but continue therapy with, you know, a psychologist, a dietitian, you know, medical doctor, her full team, she, she comes home, tell us about what that was like.
Jason Searcy 15:55 It was fine. But that's when we had to take over the reins of feeding her. And that's hard. It's hard, making all this food. And you're going through the distraction, therapy and such. And full disclosure here, Belleee did fine for a while and regressed and went back in-patient a second time. And it's not easy.
Dr. Karen Nelson 16:30 That's right. That's not easy. Absolutely. And having that team around to continue to make recommendations and to support you, and to have those conversations about, you know, the path of recovery looks different for everyone. And to never give up hope. Right? Especially if, you know, the path feels like, you know, I don't like the word regression. But you know, I might make a slip, or the eating disorder gets loud again, that's often the way that I talk about it with my patients, right, the eating disorder continued to be in the business of keeping her sick and stuck. And it was loud. And so she needed to go back inpatient. For more, you know, we call it a higher level of care, just more support, she needed more support.
Jason Searcy 17:15 Yeah, so that just shows how serious this was. Right? So that's when we went up another notch. And Belle's mom decided that she's going to quit her job and take care of Belle full time, but that was what was needed. Okay, so you think about it, I can't quit my job. We have bills to pay. My kid could die. What do you, what are you going to do? You're gonna quit your job. So, we just had someone watching her all the time. Now. That I think is when she started really getting better, is having that constant, someone watching her constantly. So there's no cheating anymore. You're following all the rules, period, that's when it started really getting better. You know, and everyone's different. Everyone's different. But we had to go to a next commitment level.
Dr. Karen Nelson 18:20 Absolutely, absolutely. To just ensure that, you know, Belle's eating disorder sounds like it was very strong. And you know, given any opportunity, it makes sense that the eating disorder is going to try and survive. And so, you know, cheating or hiding or sneaking. I mean, all of those behaviors are very, kind of commonplace that that families might be struggling. And it's helpful again, to remember, right, we know that Belleee when she's nourished and doing well, she's not going to do that. It's the eating disorder, that is in the business of all of that sneakiness. Let's maybe focus our attention on just involvement in therapy. So what was that like to be involved in therapy, as Belle was moving through eating disorder treatment?
Jason Searcy 19:09 It's not something I look forward to. That's right. That's how hard stuff talked about in those sessions, right? It was necessary. And sometimes Belle would cry through the whole thing. And so just painful, but we had to, we had to come up with the rules there. Because at home, that isn't the time to negotiate these things. So we had to negotiate it in these sessions. And so that's, that's what we did. And then we stuck to it, because we all had to agree to it. And we did. And so that's, that's what we stuck to. So it was it was kind of like the blueprint, and then it's just doing the work. You know, so we made the blueprint in this in the therapies and then we did the work at home and eventually slowly got better. So it just takes a long time but it took about, you know, four to five years, and she's recovered from it. So when we sent her off to college, I was really worried, you know, because things seem to be going good. But you know, when your kids lived with you your whole life and their whole life, and then you just send them off for hours away, you know, but the college was great. They had people there who could help. And she had people who could keep an eye on her. And it went great.
Dr. Karen Nelson 20:37 That's wonderful. As you reflect back, Jason, on those years, working towards recovery, what may have been some of the hard moments, and not that we want to focus on the hard, but I think it's important to acknowledge that kind of through the hard comes recovery. And it's important to just name, you know, I was talking with a family just recently, and we talked about, you know, eating disorder, recovery is hard, but it is possible. They both are true. And so it's I think it's important for us to name that. Tell us about some of those hard moments
Jason Searcy 21:14 We had to prove to Belle. This is I think the turning point for Belle, we had to prove to her that we really knew what we were talking about, at first, the eating disorder and her didn't trust us, right. And so when we got organized and made a chart, and charted everything, now, this might not work for everybody. Okay, I know everyone's different. But for us, the turning point was when we got organized and tracked every single thing and went through the plan and added it all up. And this is what you ate. And this is what the calories are, this was the plan. This is what we agreed to this is exactly what we're going to do period. And we tracked it, and you could physically see it. That's in when Belle trusted, it wasn't just like, Yeah, eat this. You know, we had to prove it to her. And when we did, then she was okay with it. So that was really the key for us. Now, is that fun and easy? No, it's not fun and easy at all. It's the last thing I wanted to do. But we had to do it. You had to do it.
Dr. Karen Nelson 22:22 There was no negotiation. Well, and I like it to how you talk about, again, the eating disorder wants to, you know, challenge, and it wants to find excuses to potentially not engage with food. And when you just demonstrated for Belle, this is a non negotiable. This is what treatment is going to look like, this is what we expect of you. And there's no conversation about it, like you have to do it. That is really hard to hold those boundaries, right when our kids are hurting, or panicky, or stressed. I mean, that's a lot of emotion.
Jason Searcy 23:04 And another thing I noticed too, was that all family functions all revolve around food. Right? So which is good and terrible. When Belle was recovering, she didn't like to eat around other people. It made her feel uncomfortable. We had to eat in private. You know how hard it is to go and do stuff. If everything revolves eating publicly. That's right. And I'd never even thought about that before. But then you start thinking about those things. And then you start thinking about, and I was even nervous her being around other people, because they'd say, stupid things that would really make me upset and be triggering for her. Like, yeah, if I eat that brownie, it's going right to my hips. You know, I'm not going to eat that, because I'll gain 10 pounds, which obviously is not true. But it's just common things that we say. And so now I am conscious of those things. And you don't say those things around people who it could affect.
Dr. Karen Nelson 24:10 I think it's so important. I mean, what I really hear you talking about Jason is your own evolution. Yeah. Like how much do you have changed? Can you talk about that a little bit with us? How do you think you've changed?
Jason Searcy 24:18 Well, the things that I've said I'm, I'm more aware of it. And obviously, if I've said or done things before, I just did it because I didn't think about it. It's just a common thing to say. And so now I try really not to and I never comment on how people look. About 100 Other things more important than that. And so maybe we should just be less obsessed with that.
Dr. Karen Nelson 24:49 Other ways that you potentially may have, you know, other perspectives that changed or anything that evolved for you as you move through treatment with Belle?
Jason Searcy 25:05 Well, I appreciate people who go through it now. And so that's one of the main reasons I wanted to do this. And I've all always done the Neato walk, the National Eating Disorder Association walk in the Twin Cities, they've had it at the Mall of America. And this last year, they had it at St. Thomas. And so I'm going to be volunteering for that, because I want to, I want to give back a little bit, and I want to let people know that there is hope. Because when I was going through it, it seemed hopeless. It did. It's, it seemed hopeless. I, you are thinking, I'm going to do this the rest of my life, you know, I'm always going to be worried about Belle. You know, when she's 38 years old, I'm going to be texting her did you eat? You know, you think it's going to be like this forever? But it doesn't have to be. I don't worry about that at all. You know, it's it's not a big thing for her anymore. And, you know, and I, I told her the way I feel. And you know that I'm so thankful for you guys. And she has moved on.
Jason Searcy 26:10 She doesn't feel like she has to do a podcast like this. Or do the Anita walk. She was like that I I just I don't feel like I want to do it. She's moved on from it, too. Now, as parents, I think maybe it affects us more. That then then the kids, they're resilient. They she's got other things to look forward to right. She's got a lot of other things in her life. But this is something that really affected me a lot.
Dr. Karen Nelson 26:44 Absolutely. Well, and and how beautiful that she gets to make that choice. Yeah. I love that. Yeah, I love it.
Jason Searcy 26:52 Of course, she's appreciative. But she's moved on. And that's the point. That's the point can happen. That's right. They move on?
Dr. Karen Nelson 26:56 Does Belleee consider herself fully recovered?
Jason Searcy 26:59 Yeah. She says it does enter in her mind sometimes. But she has the skills to be able to knock it down. And she tells her boyfriend, hey, if I'm doing this or this, call me out on it. Wow. You know, she's got other friends, too. And so yeah, she has a support system. She lives in Chicago now. So she's not nearby, you know, so I can't keep track of her. And I'm not going to text her every day. So, you know, she's got her own support system, and she's not worried about it. She's not worried about it.
Dr. Karen Nelson 27:37 What is it like to see your daughter thriving now?
Jason Searcy 27:45 Well, it's awesome. Because you want to see your kid do well, right?
I knew that she could do it. So I don't know what to say. It's it's a relief.
Dr. Karen Nelson 27:55 And I like that you're talking about Jason, the kind of path of recovery is, like we've said, it's can be hard and exhausting and scary. But it is always worth it. And it absolutely is possible. I think sometimes we're when we're in the midst of a struggle, we can it kind of steals our perspective a little bit. It we can't, we can't see past maybe just the next few moments. And it makes sense, right? We're not judging that. But the purpose of doing these podcasts and having conversations is to give people hope, that it really can get better, and to not give up with treatment. So Jason, there are likely listeners who are parents, and are in the middle of the recovery work that their child is doing. Any, any advice or any pieces or comments that you'd like to give them?
Jason Searcy 28:55 Well, the number one thing to remember, is, is gonna get better, you have to have the positive attitude. Now is that easy to do? No. But you could take my example, where I thought it was never going to get better, and it did. You just have to stay focused, and you have to take the advice and just do it. And if it's not working, you go and you figure it out. That's That's what if you get caught up in what everyone says, or the outside things, or if you're mad about this or mad about that, that's not going to be helpful. You just have to find what works for you and your kid. Now we had the advantage of Bellee being young enough. If there's someone who's older, of course, there's more challenges with that and we didn't have to deal with that. And so I'm thankful of that. Belle didn't refuse to go to therapy. We made her go and she did. Sometimes she didn't talk much. But we got her to agree to things. And we did it, we did the plan. And so everything's going to be different for different people, you have to find out what is, you know, positive in your situation and just work in it. And the experts, you got to listen to them. They know they know what to do. So just try to listen to them. And if it's not working out, talk to him about it. And I bet you they have a different solution. I'm not the expert on this, I read stuff. You know, I talk to other people, you just take every resource you can and do the work. I guess, if you if you don't want it, that hard, it's not going to happen. You have to want it. We we wanted her we needed her to get better. I think she secretly wanted to get better. She knows she did, it's just finding it, finding it and whatever works you do.
Dr. Karen Nelson 31:00 That's right. Well, and I, it's one of our the benefits of treatment at Melrose is the team approach, that it isn't just one provider, that you're surrounded by a team of professionals that are all in the business of you know, working to heal the eating disorder. So you know, your team may include medical doctors, therapist, dietician, occupational therapist, physical therapist, there's many people who are involved in treating and healing the eating disorder. And I love it that you say, trust them, they have a lot of experience. And so when there is confusion, or question or fear to talk about it, not not avoid it, but actually bring it up and talk about it. And that's where healing happens.
Jason Searcy 21:55 You're not going to be the first one who just happens to you know, they've seen it before. And I guess the thing for Bellae, when I talked to her about this, I said, you know, what would you say, you know, and she said, I'm not quoting her. Just in general, she said that Melrose put together a team where she felt she could fight the eating disorder as a team. You know what I'm saying? It wasn't just one on one. That's right, one on one. It's really, really hard. But when you have a team that's behind you, you got it. You can beat it. We're never going to write the expectation is, we know when the diagnosis happens. We don't say you know, good luck to you go home.
Dr. Karen Nelson 32:50 Yeah, we say welcome in, like we're here to support you. And that feels that is where healing happens. Right? Healing happens in connection. You right, healing happens when we, you know, are in relationship. That's where healing happens. And all of those interactions and all of those appointments. It incrementally right there. That's where healing is happening. Well, Jason, is there anything that I haven't asked that you'd like to say today?
Jason Searcy 33:07 Just want people to be encouraged by this? I mean, that's the reason I'm doing it is because I want them to know that. If it seems hopeless, it's not. And you just have to be dedicated to it, and it can work now everyone does it their own way. I'm not saying that this was the way that everyone should do it. But it worked for us. And the payoff is incredible, is incredible.
Dr. Karen Nelson 33:30 That's right. Well, Jason, I cannot thank you enough. I've absolutely loved our conversation today.
Dr. Karen Nelson 33:38 That's it for today. Thanks for joining me, we've covered a lot. So I encourage you to let it settle and filter in. And as I tell my patients at the end of every session, take notice. Pay attention, and we'll take it as it comes. I'll talk to you next time.
Dr. Karen Nelson 33:57 Melrose heals a conversation about eating disorders was made possible by generous donations to the park Nicolet foundation.