On this episode, we'll be sharing a story of recovery. Dr. Karen Nelson is joined by Sophia who will take us through her journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery. This episode has been divided into two parts.
On this episode, we'll be sharing a story of recovery. Dr. Karen Nelson is joined by Sophia who will take us through her journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery.
This episode has been divided into two parts.
For a transcript of this episode click here.
Dr. Karen Nelson: [00:00:00] Eating disorders thrive in secrecy and shame. It's when we create a safe space for honest conversation that we'll find the opportunity for healing. Hi there, I'm Dr. Karen Nelson, licensed clinical psychologist at Melrose Center, welcoming you to Melrose Heals, a conversation about eating disorders. A podcast designed to explore, discuss, and understand eating disorders and mental health.
On today's episode, we'll be sharing a story of recovery. I'm joined by Sophia, who will take us through her journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery. Now, before I begin, I invite you to take a deep breath and join me in this space.
I had such a wonderful conversation with Sophia about her recovery story that we decided [00:01:00]to create two episodes from our conversation. Today you'll be hearing part one of that conversation.
Welcome to the podcast, Sophia. I'm so happy to have you here with me today.
Sophia: So happy to be here.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Just to let our listeners know, we're talking about a story of recovery today. And so we're going to be talking about your diagnosis and treatment and just your journey through recovery. But maybe before we kind of, you know, explore further, let's just start with kind of the beginnings or maybe some of the origins of when you started to notice the eating disorder kind of wander in and start to develop. What do you remember about that?
Sophia: Yeah, I remember being probably, I don't know, early elementary age, maybe even a little bit younger than that. It started with me kind of learning how to ignore my hunger cues and not listen to my body. And that [00:02:00] transitioned into upper elementary school kids kind of making fun of me for the way my body was shaped and looked and having kind of reinforcement from my for my parents about you know, ‘We'll just we'll just cut back on some food.’ And the focus was really around food and kind of demonizing it a little bit. And then in high school, I started noticing a little bit of restriction. It wasn't – it wasn't like what it ended up as, but it was kind of creeping in, in high school. Then in college, it kind of flipped, and it began looking like more binge eating. And then after college is when there was just this switch, and I just started restricting and overexercising. And it wasn't until I think I was [00:03:00] 23, 24 that I actually got a diagnosis.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Well, I like how you're kind of describing, you know, it's oftentimes in reflection as people are moving through treatment that they might start to notice some of these markers of like, ‘Oh. Now that I look back on it and I understand the eating disorder, I can see some, maybe remnants of it back when I was maybe pretty young, it sounds like. Starting to maybe, you know, not really listen to if I'm hungry or see if I could prolong having that snack or I don't know. What do you remember about that?
Sophia: Yeah, it was much more of a paving the way for what was to come as opposed to anything actually happening in the moment, I think. And I, you know, being a kid, I'm like, ‘Oh, yeah, mom's probably right, I'll listen to that. Mom knows best, you know.’ So then I'd go find something to do and then lo and behold, the feeling would pass. And ‘Ah, I guess I [00:04:00] wasn't hungry.’
Dr. Karen Nelson: Absolutely. And so again, we want to be clear, right? You know, parents and families, they do not cause eating disorders and it's not uncommon that we have different experiences. And so now – and often it's the collection and the kind of, compounding of those experiences through lots of factors that potentially over time can produce an eating disorder. And so you remember just some moments of like, ‘Maybe I numbed hunger, or maybe then I progressed into high school and I you know, maybe over-ate or started to binge? Or tell us about that. What do you remember about that?
Sophia: So in high school, I was starting to learn what it was like to restrict a little bit. So I had a boyfriend at the time that wasn't a great fit, [00:05:00] on a lot of levels, but some of the language that he would use around food and myself in particular was, you know, things like, ‘Down the road, I don't want to be married to someone who's fat.’ Or, ‘I don't want to be, you know, you gotta start fixing this now before it gets to be a problem.’ And it was maybe less direct than that, but that was exactly what he was getting at.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And so those comments, right, again, no one comment one time is going to create an eating disorder, but again, it's kind of a collection and a collaboration of all these different factors. And tell us about, you know, as things maybe started to shift as you got a little bit older, it was in college or after college that maybe you really started to notice the intensity of the symptoms kick up? Or tell us about that.
Sophia: Yeah, in college, first time that I was on my own, we've got, [00:06:00] you know, the cafeteria setting where it's just an all-you-can-eat buffet, essentially, and I was experiencing a lot of depression at the time as well, so a lot of my self-soothe came from going in to the caf and just eating until I thought that I felt better. And then, of course, the aftermath of that was feeling an immense amount of shame around what I had just done. And so my roommates and I would do that: We would intermittent fast and then we would, on our off days, would just go ham in the cafeteria.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right.
Sophia: And then it was after college, I stopped inter– Well, okay, I wouldn't say I stopped intermittent fasting. I would say I took it to another level and it wasn't so much intermittent as constant.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Tell us, can you describe more of what that started to look like?
Sophia: Yeah, so I was working at a coffee shop [00:07:00] that was super close to my house. And, so at the coffee shop it was like just, you know, sugary drinks and all these things you can add, so I was having a really fun time, you know, experimenting with these these flavors. And then I started looking at the calories, and the nutrition facts that were on all the packages, and then I got kind of afraid of seeing what I was ingesting every day, and so then I started biking to work every day. I decided I was going to cut out the sugar of all the things that I was making. And then it became, ‘Okay, well, I'm not just going to cut out the sugar. I'm going to start cutting out, you know, all the snacks I'm having on the side as well.’ And then it wouldn't be just biking to and from work. It would be, okay, I'm going to bike to work, then I'm going to bike home on my 15 minute break, and then I'm gonna bike back, cause that trip would not allow me to have time to [00:08:00] go home and eat. I had enough time to go home and then go back. And then I would finish my shift and I'd bike home. And then it became, ‘Okay, well, after work, I'm gonna go for, you know, a two hour bike ride or something like that. And so then it would prolong. And I was just pushing off meal times and pushing off snacks. And it just escalated really fast.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Such a beautiful description of, I often call it the slide of the eating disorder. Where, you know, in and of itself, you know, one of those behaviors, you know, still we may worry a little, but one of those behaviors may be, okay, somewhat concerning. But as we start to collect them and add them together, it starts to produce the criteria and a diagnosis of an eating disorder. Just real briefly, I do want to mention we might hear some singing from your cat in the background, right?
Sophia: Yes.
Dr. Karen Nelson: She might be meowing because mommy's in another room. So we [00:09:00] hear you dear. We'll just say that. Our listeners get it, right? We have lives and cats and dogs. So I just wanted to make mention of that. But it sounded like, Sophia, this kind of escalation was happening with symptoms. Tell us the time frame, like as you started to notice maybe the intensity, it sounds like more restriction, more over exercise. What was the timeframe that was developing?
Sophia: So I think when I started – the language that comes to my mind was, when I started really committing to restriction is –
Dr. Karen Nelson: Mm, good point.
Sophia: From the start of that to when I actually got a diagnosis was about a year. And in that time frame I lost a ton of weight. I was getting compliments from people that were really positive. So I had all this positive reinforcement. It fit [00:10:00] the narrative for what society tells us of a success story. And I took that and ran with it. I didn't think it was a problem because I was doing all the right things. Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And it quickly became kind of obsessive.
Sophia: It quickly became a big problem, yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: What do you remember about the, kind of the changes to your eating pattern that you made? Tell us what that looked like.
Sophia: Yeah, so it started with just cutting out as much extra sugar as I could and really demonizing that. And then it became, ‘Well, all I really need are meals. I don't need snacks. So then I would cut out anything that wasn't a meal. That was kind of the talking point that when people would ask, ‘Oh, what are you doing?’ It's like, ‘Oh, well, I don't I you know, I just don't snack anymore and it's working out really well.’ And then it became, you know, maybe two meals a [00:11:00] day. I would skip breakfast. And then it became, you know, ‘Oh, it's like three o'clock. I haven't had lunch yet. It's almost dinner time. I'm just gonna wait a little bit longer.’ And then I would just have dinner. And then it would become, ‘I guess I've had a banana today. I'll go to bed.’
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right.
Sophia: Like, yeah. Or the thought would be, ‘If I go to bed on an empty stomach, then I have all this time overnight where my body is just, you know, using its reserves and it's really working in my favor,’ is the, the thought that would go through my head when that's you know, just not real.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Absolutely. And our body is starving for sure. A couple points that I want to highlight, you’re just so beautifully describing it, Sophia. First of all, that assumption that all weight loss is good or well-intentioned. I think you bring up, I mean, we just hear that again and again from so many of our patients. That, [00:12:00] rather than, checking in with you and, you know, maybe acknowledging or with curiosity approaching you and being like, ‘Gosh, you know, what's going down?’ Just the automatic assumption that weight loss is good. Or what do you remember about that? It sounds like the comments were complimentary.
Sophia: Oh, yeah. Anytime I would go home to my family, it would be, you know, my grandma making comments like, ‘Oh, you're looking so slim and trim.’ And it would be going out shopping with my mom and saying, ‘Oh, isn't it so much more fun to shop when the clothing size is this small instead of this big?’ You know? And it would be things like that, or seeing friends that I haven't seen in years, and they're like, ‘Oh my gosh, I didn't even recognize you. You look so good.’ All the while I would feel like just trash.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Tell us. [00:13:00] Yes, exactly. That's the thing.
Sophia: I'm like, you have no idea the anxiety that it was just to get me out of my house today. But you know what, if it was worth it, if you say I look good, or it was worth it if I'm now better than I was.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Right. Again, beautiful point. People share with me all the time that they may be getting compliments on their physical body, but internally they are just really struggling mentally. What do you remember about the emotion that was present during that high time of restriction and over exercise?
Sophia: Yeah, I remember a lot of things about that. So I, emotionally, it was just this back and forth between high, high anxiety and self hatred and glancing at myself in the mirror and just wanting to disappear from this vessel.[00:14:00]
Or, and then it would go back and forth between that and, you know, going out with people and getting compliments and thinking, ‘Ah, I'm so validated in the choices I'm making. This is exactly what I need to be doing.’ And it really wasn't validating me, it was validating the eating disorder. And it just drove that home, like, ‘Yeah, this is the voice we listen to. Not the one that you grew up with or the one that you were born with.’ It's the one that you learned to listen to.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right. And so a lot of suffering is what it sounds like.
Sophia: Yeah. Yeah. Emotionally it was really, really, really up and down. And at the same time, I was also very, like, dissociated. I didn't want to feel my body. So I physically couldn't feel my body. Like if I would get, you know, random bruises [00:15:00] or scratches on things and I would have no idea that it happened. I also remember just a ton of brain fog. And so a lot of the experiences and the memories are really blurry. Because I had no fuel to my brain. So it couldn't log anything that was really happening. And it was almost like – Okay, recently I had a small procedure done where I was under anesthesia. After I was on anesthesia for the next week or two, I just had this crazy brain fog. And it was a very similar sensation.
Dr. Karen Nelson: So some people describe it for me as like feeling like they're underwater. Or, like, you know, you put those kind of googly glasses on. It's like I'm here and I can see, but I'm not seeing clearly. Things sound warped and distorted. It sounds like you've really just weren't present.
Sophia: No, I was not. I wasn't here.
Dr. Karen Nelson: No way. Absolutely. I [00:16:00] like how you had talked about all of the rules, is what I'm hearing you share, that the eating disorder created for you. About oftentimes eating as little as possible and just exercising as much as possible. Were those kind of the two base rules or what do you remember?
Sophia: Yeah, those are the two base rules. I didn't have any specific, like, caloric goal that I was trying to aim for. It was more groups of foods that I demonized and thought, ‘No, we're gonna just, absolutely none of that.’ And then it would be, Any, anytime I was sitting idle was a failure in my brain. So even if I was just at home, you know, I'd grab my weights and I would start just sitting and doing those. So I would need to be doing something. And so there was a lot – there wasn't a lot of time where I was still.
Dr. Karen Nelson: So a constant humming in your brain from the eating [00:17:00] disorder that you're not doing enough and you're not good enough, I think is the theme I hear.
Sophia: Yeah, and every time that I'm awake was an opportunity to be losing weight, was the narrative in my head.
Dr. Karen Nelson: So just absolute intensity and chaos and like jail is what it sounds like.
Sophia: Oh yeah, it completely consumed my brain.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Absolutely. What do you remember about, you know, you had shared friends and family, often maybe in the beginning were kind of complimenting or praising some of those shifts that were happening in your body. Do you remember ever trying to hide the behaviors that you were doing or were you pretty open about them?
Sophia: I hid them completely. My parents and my family had no idea that I was struggling with an eating disorder until I got the diagnosis and then had to be admitted for a week. They had [00:18:00] absolutely no idea. They were completely shocked when I told them what was going on. Cause I think deep down I knew that it was unhealthy and I knew that it was an eating disorder. But it was working, so to speak.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Right.
Sophia: And, cause the goal I had, it was achieving that. Or the goal that I thought I wanted, it was achieving.
Dr. Karen Nelson: For sure. Whenever I would go out with friends and family, I would dissociate as much as I possibly could and I would get through the meal. I didn't let them know that I was anxious. I didn't let them know that I was struggling or didn't want to be there or the foods that I would choose, I would be like, ‘Oh, this looks delicious.’ And I'm just looking at the calories that are listed on the menu. I'm like, ‘Oh, man, doesn't that sound fabulous? Look at that kale!’ And I'm like, when I really wanted, you know, like a burger with bacon and an [00:19:00] egg on it, because that sounded much better.
Dr. Karen Nelson: The eating disorder had other rules for you.
Sophia: Absolutely. Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Well, it sounds like a lot of pretending is what was happening. A lot of pretending, a lot of not being present, of really just kind of missing out on life and being trapped in this jail in my brain that, ‘I must reduce calories.’ And was it like I – oftentimes one of the things that I ask my patients is, ‘What was the goal of the eating disorder? Was it just to forever get thinner?’
Sophia: Yeah. The goal was to not exist in this vessel.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Oh.
Sophia: I felt like I just had a rubber suit on all the time, and I never felt any amount of connection to my body. I felt like a floating head that is somehow connected, but I couldn't feel that connection. And anything that [00:20:00] wasn't just my mind was like dead weight.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah.
Sophia: I laugh but it's kind of not funny.
Dr. Karen Nelson: It's so sad. I know. My heart just breaks for you of how, it sounds like really lonely actually.
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah.
Sophia: Yeah. I don't think that – at the time I didn't think that there was anyone I could talk to who would have any idea what I was feeling and it was really isolating.
Dr. Karen Nelson: When you kind of think back on, you know, oftentimes, again, it can be a helpful conversation. One of the things that I know about eating disorders is they often change the rules. And so, again, we're kind of talking about this slide of behavior. You know, in the beginning, maybe I said, ‘Well, I'm just not going to eat sugar.’ But then that's never enough for the eating disorder. It was never enough. And it constantly changes the rules [00:21:00] and tells me I need to do more or I have to restrict longer. I have to exercise more intensely. Do you remember that feeling that it was never enough?
Sophia: Oh, yeah. I remember in the beginning, I'm like, ‘Oh, this is a good start.
This is a good way to – look at how you can, you can, you've been able to accomplish this task. And you were able to, you know, get the willpower to do this thing. Okay. Let's add one more thing on. What's one more thing? We can just do one more little thing and no one's going to notice.’ And it would just kind of build like that. And it would be like a week increment, where I'm like, ‘Oh yeah, I successfully did that for a week, and, you know, next week we're gonna go for an extra mile. Next week we're gonna have, we're gonna have two extra bites on the plate instead of, you know, one extra bite on the plate when we're finished. And it escalated kind of like that.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I think also that myth that, if I do these things, right, if I leave two [00:22:00] extra bites on the plate or if I bike a little bit longer, did I think I would feel better?
Sophia: Oh, yeah. And I think I did.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah. Okay.
Sophia: I think I did feel better.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah.
Sophia: At least, at least temporarily right after it happened.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I'm so glad you said that. Right.
Sophia: Yeah. It wasn't a sustaining feeling better.
Dr. Karen Nelson: There you go. Beautiful.
Sophia: Because as soon as, you know, as soon as the hunger cue would come back again, I'm like, ‘Ah, you failure. Or like, ‘Why are you craving this thing that is just going to make you gain weight?’ I'm like, ‘Well, because my body is, you know, craving nutrients because you've been depriving it.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right.
Sophia: Now I know. But at the time, that's what the narrative was.
Dr. Karen Nelson: You got it. And so the eating disorder is never satisfied, I never actually feel better, and actually I often just spiral down this path of more intensity and feeling worse. Let's talk a little bit about the turning point for you. [00:23:00] I mean, it sounds like there was a lot of intensity, that the behaviors escalated. You know, ‘I lost weight rapidly,’ really in this space of lots of restriction, lots of exercise. Tell us the story of when did it shift and change and what happened?
Sophia: I think when I decided to get actual help. So it was, I was dating someone at the time and I don't think I would have gotten help if I wasn't. Cause at the point of my life where I did get help, my brain was still very much telling me, ‘We still got a ways to go. We're still not down to –’ you know, whatever number I had set in my head. So, I don't think I would have actually gotten help if my partner at the time wasn't guiding me a little bit. [00:24:00] At one point we had sat down and had a really hard conversation and they basically told me that I – that they couldn't be responsible to make sure that I was eating over the weekend or make sure that I – They were like, ‘This isn't my responsibility and I can't take care of you. You are not – like this isn't the relationship that we, you know, started with – that I want to have.’ And they were right. That wasn't their responsibility. It was on me to do. And so we emailed a therapist that I had been seeing for some trauma work. And then she connected me with Melrose. And then it was about a week later, I had my intake. And then it was like two days later that I was in the unit. So.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah.
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And so that conversation with [00:25:00] your partner at the time was really influential.
Sophia: Yeah. And I only listened because I was afraid of losing them. I didn't want to go because I wanted to be better. I went because I was afraid of what would happen to the relationship if I didn't go. And I had full intentions of going and doing the thing, going through the motions and then getting out and then going back to what I was doing.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Absolutely. Just kind of appeasing this person. Did it, you know, kind of thinking back on that time, did it feel like they were overreacting or they were making a bigger deal out of it than I thought it was? What do you remember?
Sophia: I think at the time I knew it was very warranted, what they were saying.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah.
Sophia: I was very aware that what I was doing was gonna probably kill me. And [00:26:00] I – so I don't think I felt like it was overreacting. But it was just not what I wanted to hear.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right. That's right. Well, it's definitely not what the eating disorder wanted to hear.
Sophia: No, definitely not.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right. I love your description and, you know, just so beautifully remembering kind of the intensity around the eating disorder behaviors. But I'd love it if you would maybe help our listeners know: Oftentimes one of the pivotal moments in therapy is when a patient is able to identify what the function of their eating disorder had been. You know, we talk a lot on the podcast about, eating disorders express themselves through food, but interestingly enough, they're not about food. They're about emotion, for many of us. And maybe help our listeners know, you know, as you moved through therapy and just started to understand, what was the [00:27:00] function of the eating disorder for you? Or any thoughts on that?
Sophia: The eating disorder for me, at least in part, was a huge distraction from trauma I didn't want to feel. It helped me, it gave me something to think about, it gave me something else to feel and it just helps me numb myself even further than I already wanted to be. Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Do you think that there was maybe, you know, as the eating disorder was evolving, some just underlying maybe sadness or depression or anxiety or what do you remember about that?
Sophia: Yeah. So I think that depression has been with me since the beginning is what it has felt like. So there was some past trauma when I was as young as three years old. And [00:28:00] that began depression for me, is how I'll – I don't know if that's the right way to phrase it.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That’s perfect. Yeah.
Sophia: But that's when my depression started, was when I was three, experiencing that. And that became baseline. Between that trauma from a young age and the messages that I got from family about, you know, ‘You're not actually feeling this, you're, you know, shut down the part of you that is connecting with your body, so to speak.’ There were also language about, you know, being dramatic, and so I learned very young to hide.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yes.
Sophia: And to minimize what I'm feeling, and that really just became depression.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And that story is really, really [00:29:00] common.
Sophia: Yeah. Well, you know, as we kind of continue that conversation, I want to be very kind of compassionate and clear that many, many of our patients at Melrose have experienced past trauma, which makes sense that it creates a lot of emotion. And when we have a lot of emotion moving through us that we either can't understand, that people minimize, or that we feel overwhelmed by, it makes sense that I might want to do something to not feel that. Hello eating disorders, right? They just kind of move and evolve out of some of those past traumas. And that story is often very consistent with many of our clients that we see here at Melrose. And so it was some of those past experiences that maybe [00:30:00] triggered some emotion and then the eating disorder kind of evolved through that. Does that resonate?
Sophia: Yeah, very much so. Yeah. And then I think it was also kind of re-experiencing traumas throughout my life that just solidified that, you know, there's a way that I can escape it. There's a way that I can, I can forget about it, or not feel it, or change the narrative in my head, you know? Something like that.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's it. That's it. You got it. Just so perfect. Well, and I share with people all the time, it makes sense to me: When I'm hurting, I don't want to hurt. Like, I say it all the time, right? I mean, I've been a therapist for a very long time, and never have I ever met a human who's come and sat on my couch and says, You know what, Karen? I hope I feel like crap today, and I hope I have the worst day of my life. Of course not.
Sophia: Right.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And what you and I both know is that an eating disorder can really numb me [00:31:00] out, and then I don't have to feel. I mean, do you, was the eating – was it kind of numbing? Or, it sounds like I just wasn't really in my body.
Sophia: Yeah, it was. It was very numbing, and I learned to love the feeling of feeling hungry and feeling empty. I learned that that was a sensation that I craved and wanted to feel over and over and over again. Because it was something that I could – it was, well, looking back, it was feeling my body.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah.
Sophia: And I actually was craving a connection with my body.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Wow.
Sophia: And the way that I could feel that at the time was to feel hungry.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I mean, you're absolutely right. It became a way that I was almost like in control of the feeling. Because past trauma elicits feeling that feels out of control.
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah. Absolutely. Really, really good insight. And so again, it [00:32:00] – as we share that, it's to have kind of understanding and compassion for, again, eating disorders don't just develop, right? No one ever is like, yeah, I think I'm gonna go ahead and get an eating disorder today, right?
Sophia: Right.
Dr. Karen Nelson: You and I both know, this ain't that.
Sophia: No.
Dr. Karen Nelson: No, this ain't that. And when we appreciate the intensity of someone's life story, we start to understand the evolution of the eating disorder.
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Well, tell us, Sophia, that turning point of having a conversation with a loved one, them expressing concern for you, let's start moving through that assessment process. What do you remember about what that initial assessment was like with Melrose? So my initial assessment: The plan was, or the recommendation was to do the partial program. And the more we talked [00:33:00] about it, the more I was like, you know, if I do this partial program, there's zero chance that I will be able to hold myself accountable when I go home. There is absolutely no way that the mentality that I have right now and the way that I'm experiencing the eating disorder is gonna let me go home and follow through. And I don't know why I was honest about that. But I was.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's so cool. I know.
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I mean, it's so great. And we have had a variety of patients say the same thing of like, ‘If I'm only here for lunch and breakfast, I'm going to go home and use symptoms all the rest of the evening.’ And you knew that internally.
Sophia: Oh, yeah. I did. And I think I had every intention of going in and lying about how bad it was.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah.
Sophia: And I don't know what. What it was about being there. Maybe it just [00:34:00] brought me to reality to see other people who were also experiencing eating disorders and thinking, ‘I don't want to be – I don't want to be where I'm at anymore.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right. That's right. What was that like for you to hear that you did meet criteria for an eating disorder diagnosis? What do you remember about that?
Sophia: I remember both feeling shocked and validated, at the same time. I felt shocked because to me, I didn't look like I had an eating disorder because, you know, eating disorders have a look.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right. Which we know they don't. Right, right. We think they do. For sure. That's one of the ways we minimize them. We're like, ‘Oh, they only look like this, you know, emaciated human or something. And –
Sophia: Right. Right.
Dr. Karen Nelson: All of the above. Mm hmm.
Sophia: And I [00:35:00] remember, I remember feeling validated in the sense that I knew something was wrong, and it wasn't just in my head. It wasn't just me seeking attention, or me, you know, being dramatic. Because that was the narrative for the longest time. It wasn't that. It was actually a diagnosable thing that met criteria that can be helped.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Absolutely. And so, a mix of emotions, which makes sense to me. Both and.
Sophia: Yep. Classic ‘both and.’
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yep. That's right. Classic. I love it. And so tell us about, you know, some of those kind of early moments in treatment. So it sounds like they initially recommended the partial program, which is basically you kind of spend the day at Melrose, but you go home and sleep at home.
Sophia: Yep. Like day camp. [00:36:00]
Dr. Karen Nelson: You got it. Eating Disorder Treatment Day Camp. You got it.
Sophia: Yep.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And you knew internally, if I go home at the end of every evening, I might use symptoms, or I most likely will use symptoms.
Sophia: Oh, yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And so you then did an intensive residential stay, is what it sounds like.
Sophia: Yeah, I did the – I think I was there for a week in the inpatient unit.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Tell us about that. Any memories about that? Any moments that you remember? What was that like?
Sophia: That was so much harder than I thought it was going to be. Part of it was, you know, the shock to the system of – and all of the pain that that felt. Because my body was so deprived of nutrients, when I actually had a full stomach, I'm like, ‘This is excruciating. Why would I ever want this?’ You know? And it was also – I felt there was no place that I could reasonably [00:37:00] hide, and I felt so unbelievably exposed, and that was terrifying. Worth it, because it got me to where I needed to be, and in the moment, it was really hard.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And that is a perfect place to stop. Sophia, it's been so incredible to have you here with me today, and we're going to continue this conversation on our next episode.
That's it for today. Thanks for joining me. We've covered a lot, so I encourage you to let it settle and filter in. And as I tell my patients at the end of every session: Take notice, pay attention, and we'll take it as it comes. I'll talk to you next time. To learn more about Melrose Center, please visit MelroseHeals.com.
If you or a loved one are suffering from an eating disorder, we're here to help. Call 952 993 6200 [00:38:00] to schedule an appointment and begin the journey towards healing and recovery. We'd love to hear your feedback on our episodes, the topics we cover and anything you'd like to hear me discuss on the show. Our email addresses melrose@parknicollet.com. I look forward to hearing from you. Melrose Heals: A Conversation About Eating Disorders was made possible by generous donations to the Park Nicollet Foundation.