On this episode, we'll be sharing a recovery story. Dr. Karen Nelson is joined by Hannah Studee who will take us through her journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery.
On this episode, we'll be sharing a recovery story. Dr. Karen Nelson is joined by Hannah Studee who will take us through her journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery.
For a transcript of this episode click here.
Dr. Karen Nelson 00:01
Eating Disorders thrive in secrecy and shame. It's when we create a safe space for honest conversation that we’ll find the opportunity for healing. Hi there. I'm Dr. Karen Nelson, licensed clinical psychologist at Melrose center, welcoming you to Melrose Heals, a conversation about eating disorders, a podcast designed to explore, discuss, and understand eating disorders and mental health. On today's episode, we'll be sharing a story of recovery. I'm joined by Hannah Studi, who will take us through her journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery. Now, before I begin, I invite you to take a deep breath, and join me in this space. Hannah, welcome to the podcast. I'm so happy to have you here. Well, today we're going to be talking about your story and your journey of healing. But I would love it if you could just take a moment and introduce yourself.
Hannah Studi 01:07
Yeah, so I am Hannah Studi. I was at Melrose more recently in the past two years. And it's very bittersweet to be back.
Dr. Karen Nelson 01:15
Well, let's maybe start wandering in and talking about your story. You had said that you were a previous patient here at Melrose. Let's talk about, you know, kind of reflecting back on, you know, kind of the origins of when the eating disorder might have begun. Take us back there, how old were you? Maybe situations or things that might have been happening? What do you remember?
Hannah Studi 01:41
When it started, obviously, I was too young to even think about my health, or even fathom what an eating disorder would be. So I was a gymnast. I was a gymnast since the age of three, since I was in diapers. And I think that the gymnastics world is infamous for eating disorders, with the pressures that come in that sport, specifically. Let's see, how I would say, sixth or seventh grade, I started watching kind of how my body was changing. My coaches would make comments, not not even necessarily about me, but they would make comments to the other girls that their bodies were growing faster than mine, or they were a few years older. And I saw how they would respond to those girls gaining weight, or, you know, hitting puberty and the whole body changes. So I quickly was aware of where I was at body-wise, and I think, had an eating disorder in seventh grade already.
Dr. Karen Nelson 02:36
So it sounds like this kind of intersection of, you know, an athlete, and being in a sport where there was a lot of attention to body and size and shape that it kind of created this almost hyper-awareness of your own body, do you think? Or what do you think?
Hannah Studi 02:54
Yeah, hyper awareness. And I think I had more praise. And I had a fear that come older age and puberty, that that praise might leave.
Dr. Karen Nelson 03:05
I mean, it makes sense, right? I mean, of course, I want to please my coaches, and I want to do well, I want to be great at what I'm doing. And if my body changes, there's maybe a fear or there's risk that it might not perform the same? Or I don't know, what do you think?
Hannah Studi 03:21
There was a fear that I might not perform the same, and some of my coaches were very honest, like, once your body changes, you might not be able to do these things. So they tried to get you to learn all these skills before you hit puberty, because then it stuck with you. But once you hit that point, it's much harder to learn. It was, it was, it was common to have a conversation about not getting your period in gymnastics, you want to push that off as long as you can. Looking back to it, I’m like, wow, we were so young to have these conversations, and we didn't understand how that related to health. We kind of learned that you can avoid that by not eating a lot and over exercising, and that's what I did, you know?
Dr. Karen Nelson 03:58
Well, and I think it's important, you know, to acknowledge, we do have some research indicating that, you know, the rates of those who are struggling with an eating disorder are pretty high for, you know, people in, you know, certain athletic endeavors, right, like certain sports. And so we know that people who, their kind of body is needing to be in a certain space physically, people may use eating disorder behaviors to kind of attain that. And it sounds like it was kind of just talked about, like, we don't want you to get your period because your performance could change. Well, the way that you slow that down is then restriction. And in your mind, right, it's like, I was just a kid who wanted to win. I mean, I just wanted to do well. So take us through, Hannah, you know, as you kind of reflect back what were the behaviors that started to show up around eating or eating disorder thoughts or thinking? What do you remember?
Hannah Studi 05:00
I restricted daily. I allowed myself 500 calories a day. I mean, if you can think about how much a person needs to eat, I didn't hit that 500 calorie mark, often because I, I had a four hour practice, and I would sometimes just like, sit down and fall asleep. And then I obviously needed something. So my coach would give me some food or whatever, and then I'd be over the 500 calorie mark and have to go home and work that off. So it's a kind of a vicious cycle of, I guess, punishment for not reaching a very unattainable goal.
Dr. Karen Nelson 05:28
Well, and you know, acknowledging the eating disorder often hijacks logic, right? And so the eating disorders like, “Man, this makes sense, I'm doing a great job.” And it's so dangerous to trust the eating disorder, right?
Hannah Studi 05:44
Like to look back, it's almost like someone else lived in my head at that time.
Dr. Karen Nelson 05:49
Even using that example, right of like, my brain was holding on to all of this calorie information. And, you know, the reality is, we only have so much brain space. And imagine what I could do, if my brain wasn't taken up with all, you know, how many calories are in a Cheez-It, or a Wheat Thin, or a Triscuit? Right? I mean, that's the collateral damage of the eating disorder. It just steals opportunity. Let's maybe spend a moment Hannah and talk about, you know, you described beautifully how the eating disorder behaviors might have escalated. Right? It kind of started with maybe this restriction piece, lots of thinking about, you know, counting calories, and some of those obsessive thoughts. Take us back there. What do you remember about how you felt? Like, can you describe any of that for us? Like any feelings that might have been around?
Hannah Studi 06:49
I remember feeling preoccupied. It was just always there. It was there, whether I was thinking about what work out I was going to do, or what meal I was going to have. I was never content with myself, which made me very much an angry, maybe not so pleasant, person at times. One, it's hard to be pleasant when you have that much emotion and pain in you and let alone when you're starving.
Dr. Karen Nelson 07:11
Well, and I think, two, many times when someone is potentially struggling with an eating disorder, oftentimes, there are other mental health issues that are happening. Maybe I'm really depressed, maybe I'm really anxious. Maybe I have some obsessive thinking in my brain. It sounds like you might have also maybe been struggling with some sadness, or some depression, or I don't know, what do you think?
Hannah Studi 07:36
Yes. That was not talked about in my family. And it wasn't really learned in my health classes. It wasn't even that long ago, but it wasn't very much talked about like it is now. And I struggled with that depression and anxiety for until I like, had this realization that wow, like, this is kind of scary. It's weird to not feel safe in your own body. And I finally did say something to my mom.
Dr. Karen Nelson 08:03
That's huge. Well, tell me about that, you made a comment, I think it is really important for us to pause around, you know, it's a pretty scary feeling when you don't feel safe in your own body. And I think so many of our listeners can so resonate with that, Hannah. I think it's so important to name the loneliness and fear that often shows up in the isolation. Maybe that's an even more important thing for us to talk about, is how alone we feel and lost, that I sometimes I don't even know how to say the words. It sounds like you were able to tell mom at least, like, “I'm not okay, I think something needs to give,” or what do you remember about that initial conversation?
Hannah Studi 08:52
I just remember, I couldn't sleep. And I think what triggered me to tell her that was I was losing sleep. It wasn't the sadness, necessarily. It was more like I can't sleep. And at that age again, I was like, I need to sleep so I can go to school, and I can go to practice, you know?
Dr. Karen Nelson 09:04
Yes, oh I totally get it, “So I can still be perfect. I got to figure out how to sleep.”
Hannah Studi 09:11
Yes, yes. I was like, my mind keeps racing. It's not, it's not shutting off. I can't sleep. And yeah, and then I learned that's called anxiety.
Dr. Karen Nelson 09:20
To just acknowledge, like, I'm not strange. I'm not weird. That right, like, there is something we can do. And while medication can be helpful, right, we often do, you know, potentially if we feel it is valid, we'll refer someone to psychiatry for medication management, and there's so many other things we can do. The process of talking and learning and developing skills on how to manage that anxiety is deeply important. How long do you think you were experiencing eating disorder symptoms and behaviors before that moment where you decided to get help? How long was that Hanna?
Hannah Studi 10:04
I mean, since the seventh grade through my last year of college.
Dr. Karen Nelson 10:08
Wow.
Hannah Studi 10:09
It came in different forms at different times. I hadn't hit rock bottom until the end of college, you know? It took that long.
Dr. Karen Nelson 10:16
It took that long. But oftentimes what we talk about a lot on the podcast is like, we don't know how to talk about it. And so then I kind of don't say anything, I just think like, well, “Oh, she'll be okay.” Like, it'll, this one, it'll work itself out. Right? People always like, Oh, it'll work itself out? Well, will it? I think, when we're noticing or having a concern, it's one of the things we believe here most at Melrose is to, you know, have the courage to start to bring it up and to talk about it and man, is it going to be uncomfortable. And then, we also can move into a place where we're potentially accessing the help and support that we need. What do you think was, was the turning point for you, Hannah? As you kind of think back? So years of struggling. Do you think it kind of, at times, was more intense, and then it became less intense? Like, what do you remember about what it would do?
Hannah Studi 11:15
Well, my goal was always restriction. But I could never meet the goal that I wanted, there was, you know, it was never attainable. It was always, I remember, once I got to high school, I changed my calorie count, instead of 500, to 1000. Like that will, that will be more reachable. I still couldn't reach it. It turned into binging behavior. So I would say, “I’ll start next week. And so these next three days, like I'll just eat as much as I can. And the next 12 weeks after that, I'll be on this diet” of whatever, whatever I made for myself. And that happened week, after week, after week, because I would mess up and it's like, okay, “I'll start next week.” And then I would just binge the rest of the week. I knew I had issues with eating. And I looked back on my past. And I realized, like, wow, that was really bad. And I want to change it, I would try to change it on my own. But I never got better. I would try, and I would try, and I would try.
Dr. Karen Nelson 12:08
That that moment, what, was there kind of a moment or any event that happened? You know, it sounds like you eventually kind of moved to a place where things got really low? Or when, when were you like, “Okay, I think I do need to talk to someone about this.”
Hannah Studi 12:23
It was my last year of college, halfway through the year. And it was just crisis after crisis after crisis, I realized how far gone I was, because school was ending. And that was a lot of pressure. So it was, it was like all of this, all at once. And I saw like, okay, in the next four or five months, I'm free. And I'm not okay to be free. I have this huge issue inside that I've zero idea, if I will make it in these next four months without getting help.
Dr. Karen Nelson 12:57
And so feeling like, it almost wasn't an option. Like I had to get support, because I needed it. To move to the next step.
Hannah Studi 13:07
I realized that my mental health and eating habits at the time could lead to death. And I didn't want that for myself.
Dr. Karen Nelson 13:24
I hear you. That's right. It's just a really scary, lonely place. And no one ever deserves to suffer. No one deserves to hurt. And it can feel terrifying to kind of reach out and say I think I need some support. And you did that.
Hannah Studi 13:52
I realized that no one was going to do it for me. So
Dr. Karen Nelson 13:26
That’s right, you did it.
Hannah Studi 13:57
I have to do it, myself. Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson 14:00
I mean, just when we think about strength, right? The strongest people I know, are working on recovery. This is hard. But it's not impossible. We have a bunch of evidence, you've done a bunch of hard things. So we knew that you’d do this too. Take me back to that moment of like, okay, “I think I'm, I think I'm going to call. I think I'm going to reach out.” Or did you go to your medical provider? Or, tell us the story.
Hannah Studi 14:31
We had free counseling sessions at the university I went to, and I filled out a questionnaire. Some of it has to do with eating. Obviously with my history of eating ones were of concern. Are you, are you preoccupied thinking about eating? Or are you restricting currently? Or those things and I answered truthfully, and she, the therapist, had come in and right away she was like, “So it looks like, I might not be the best help for you. Um, it looks like, that you might have an eating disorder. And I'll give you some resources for the next steps with that.” I called Melrose at school in one of our buildings and I don't remember why because I started bawling.
Dr. Karen Nelson 15:13
Right, well we ask you questions, and you got to talk about it a little bit.
Hannah Studi 15:17
Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson 15:18
But, you did, I mean, the bottom line is you did. So that's the most important part. So after coming in, Hannah, for that initial assessment, you were officially diagnosed with an eating disorder. Tell us about what that felt like? Or what you remember about getting confirmation that okay, yes, I have this diagnosable eating disorder and there is treatment available. What do you remember about that?
Hannah Studi 15:47
I do remember relief, because I didn't know, really, what was going on. And I didn't quite tell myself what parts of my behavior was wrong. So I didn't know if I'd come up with an eating disorder or if it wasn't severe enough, or if it was very, very severe. And they wanted much more treatment than I expected. Or I was relieved to hear what they said. Because there was treatment that could help. So I was, I was just relieved with those two things. That there was an answer to what I was dealing with, and there is treatment for what I was dealing with. So I remember feeling relieved and just exhausted, I needed to go take a nap right after because it was just so many emotions.
Dr. Karen Nelson 16:30
That’s just so much emotion. That's right. Absolutely. Well, and often, you know, what people share with me is, as they start the process of, kind of, narrating their story with the eating disorder, it's potentially talking about emotions, and thoughts and feelings that I might never have spoken, ever, to another human. And to have this safe space created, where it's, it's the goal, to talk about it. It's the, it's the process to talk about it, can feel scary. But I like what you said. It feels relieving, like, oh, there's people who get it. Like there's, there's help. I'm not alone. When you think about, well, first, maybe help our listeners know. So you were diagnosed with an eating disorder. And the majority or all of your treatment has happened in the outpatient setting, is that correct?
Hannah Studi 17:24
Correct. All of it has been in the outpatient setting.
Dr. Karen Nelson 17:27
Outpatient setting. And so I think that is important for us to name. I think sometimes, absolutely, you know, being referred to inpatient, our residential program, that can be a necessity for some, but many of our patients, the majority of our patients, they are treated in the outpatient setting. And so what did that look like for you? You were seen by a team. A therapist, correct?
Hannah Studi 17:51
Mmmmhmmm
Dr. Karen Nelson 17:52
A dietician, I would guess?
Hannah Studi 17:53
Yep.
Dr. Karen Nelson 17:54
Yep, therapist and dietitian, you always get that you then also were able, once some of the COVID restrictions eased up, you were able to get in with medical?
Hannah Studi 18:05
Correct. And a psychiatrist.
Dr. Karen Nelson 18:08
And a psychiatrist. Wonderful. And so that was the team. I love that. What do you remember about, you know, as you then started to move through eating disorder treatment, any particular things that you remember, kind of, learning or becoming aware of that started to shift or change your interactions with food, or your thoughts about food? Or some of that progression into healing? What do you remember about that?
Hannah Studi 18:40
Being in treatment in the first place, was like, the first step of me being aware of what was going on inside me. And that first, like, physical action of like, what to do next. Just because I knew whatever was inside of me was going to take a really long time. So it's like, I have to do all the controllable things. So I was like, I can physically prepare my meals, and I can physically, really try to get those down. And I can deal with the thoughts now that I know that these thoughts aren't real, and whatever's inside me is going to hurt and not like what I'm doing. And I'm fully aware of that, and I accept it. And I know that what's best for my physical self, I'm going to have to really try hard to do, but I am in control of that. And I can, I can do that. And I can deal with all the thoughts and the emotions that come with eating the meals that are needed to eat. Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson 19:34
Absolutely. I mean, it's an intimate part of recovery, right of, you know, rebalancing our relationship with food, because that has been, you know, so disruptive or problematic in the past. Were there any skills, Hannah, that were particularly helpful? Or kind of things that you did to kind of help with some of that maybe discomfort that you felt as you were moving through recovery. What do you think?
Hannah Studi 20:01
Yeah, we did, we did so many, so many things. Every day was just, there was so much every day that I had to work through. I would say, one really big portion of what helped is going back to the past, going back to how I was raised in my family, how I was raised in the gymnastics world, how I was, all of these situations and, in social settings versus other settings, how they affected my development, and brain development, and emotional, and mental health aspects. You know, like figuring out, what were the triggers to this eating disorder? Or what like, what what can we narrow down? And how can we almost
do the best we can at reversing them?
Dr. Karen Nelson 20:55
Absolutely. Well, and I think it is important for us, you know, with many of my patients, we will, you know, kind of historically review, right, just some of the facts of, of their past, right, that may have potentially impacted or influenced the desire to want to engage with an eating disorder. And, you know, I often say, it's never in a space of judgment, or ridicule or criticism, right? It's mainly in a space of curiosity, of understanding of, oh, well, right. If I grew up in in, you know, this athletic community that may have been sending some of these conflicting messages, we start to appreciate how the eating disorder may have evolved. You know, as you work with your individual therapists, you may explore, you know, different ways to address or do that. But I think sometimes even just understanding the story of how it developed of like, oh I could see, that's maybe the origin of that eating disordered thought, of that, bodies need to only look this way or, you know, undernourishing my body was appropriate, right? We can start to understand, that's where that potentially came from. It sounds like that was helpful, to kind of go back and review that?
Hannah Studi 22:22
It was very helpful to, and to kind of deal with some of the things that I was still, I was at home with my parents. And obviously, some things happened growing up that affected me and I was coaching at the same gym that I had grown up in at that time, and realizing all of all of these issues had stemmed from the same place that I'm currently in,I think was a sign from the universe, that this is my time to tackle these things before, the next year, I'm gonna move out, I might get another job. So it was like, Okay, I, I need to help these other girls that as soon as I hear them speak about their body or not eating, I'm gonna catch it. And hopefully I can make, you know, a little bit of a difference, what I needed when I was a kid. So I kind of, it was almost like my way of healing. Or, so it was just a coincidence that I was in the same place during, the same places, made an impact on my mental health and eating disorder. So I could kind of take those on, and actually, like, tackle them in the physical environment, which was so extremely painful. But looking back, I'm blessed that I was in those environments during treatment so that I could kind of tackle it, and now I can move on, you know, I'm not, I'm not at that same gymnastics gym, and I'm not at home anymore. So.
Dr. Karen Nelson 23:41
It's like, like serendipitous, right? Of like, how am I here? Like, it's almost like, you got to experience the pain of it, right? Because I'm there. But then also, it's like, you redid it. Like, you changed the story. You like you change the story, Hannah. Like, it's so powerful. I'm gonna get all choked up. Because it's so, it’s such a big deal. Like it's such a big deal.
Hannah Studi 24:07
I think I needed to change the story moving forward.
Dr. Karen Nelson 24:12
So this question comes up often as I'm ending with someone in therapy as they've kind of moved through recovery. Do you consider yourself fully recovered?
Hannah Studi 24:22
My definition of fully recovered would be, well, you know what, my definition might be changed. But, I always thought of full recovery, I always thought a full recovery as, okay, the thoughts are gone. Everything's gone. None of like, I'm norm…like, I am just someone who has never had an eating disorder before. But now as I think about it, I think full recovery is being able to live a very healthy and happy life regardless of the disease,that will probably be with you for a very long time. And being consistent and persistent in fighting it and understanding that this isn't just a short term thing.
Dr. Karen Nelson 25:08
That’s right. I love that. And I would 1,000% agree with you. That's my definition of fully recovered too. Not that I, you know, I may have a meandering thought, right, I may have a kind of urge to maybe even engage with a symptom. But how do I continue to act opposite from that? And remind myself, we don't do that anymore. We don't do that. That feels really huge, really huge. When you think about where you are now with food and thoughts about food, thoughts about, you know, body, what is different now, versus, when you were intimately struggling with the eating disorder.
Hannah Studi 25:56
I always say to myself, “That's not what matters.” I still struggle with what I see in the mirror, I, a lot of the time don't like it. And that's something I'm still working on. And that's something when I ended treatment here that I was, that we kind of discussed like this, this is going to be many, many years down the road of how you get to a body positive mind state. And I'm aware that I'm going to have to work towards that forever. But what's getting me through that is, that's not what matters. Like that, that is not where my worth is whatsoever, that's not going to change what job I can get, or who's gonna love me, or how people are gonna think of me. So I always tell myself, like, that's not what matters. Like if I see, like, if I go look in the mirror to make sure that I look presentable, if I hyperfocus on my body, in how I don't like it, then I have to, like, catch myself. That's not what matters.
Dr. Karen Nelson 26:59
Amen. Amen. Well, and often, what I notice as a, as a clinician, working with people who are struggling with eating disorders, kind of body, body image, and kind of healing our relationship with our body is often kind of the, the last component of full healing, right? And it's a practice, it's not a one and done, right? It's this evolution of continuing to develop dialogue with myself about myself that is neutral, hopefully, at first, because it might start off pretty negative. We want to move to neutral. And then maybe even one day, we can get to a space of positivity. But, I think it's so important that you name, I'm still working on that. And I remind myself that, you know, if I'm standing in the mirror, critiquing and telling myself how awful I look, it's like, and that doesn't matter. Like we're not doing that today, right? That, that will bring me nowhere good. Nowhere good. There are likely listeners right now, Hannah, who are working on their own recovery, anything you'd like to say to them?
Hannah Studi 28:12
I would say be patient with yourself. I think of recovery, kind of like physical fitness, the the more you practice at it, the better you get. You fall off for a little bit, and you're gonna have to catch yourself back up. But that's, that's life, you can't, you know, you can't be on a perfect workout schedule for the rest of your life, just like you can't be in the perfect mind state every single day. So if you fall back, that's very, very normal. And you have to be patient with yourself that, you might have to pick yourself up a little bit on your thoughts, or your behaviors. But yeah, be patient with yourself.
Dr. Karen Nelson 28:49
Goodness I couldn't have said it better. That's right. That place of recovery doesn't have to be perfect. We just got to try. Well, I can't even tell you how much I just appreciate you and this conversation. I'm just so deeply grateful that you have shared your story with me and all of our listeners. Thank you so much.
Hannah Studi 29:10
I'm grateful to be here. Thank you.
Dr. Karen Nelson 29:12
That's it for today. Thanks for joining me, we've covered a lot. So I encourage you to let it settle and filter in. And as I tell my patients at the end of every session, take notice, pay attention, and we'll take it as it comes. I'll talk to you next time. To learn more about Melrose Center, please visit melroseheals.com. If you or a loved one are suffering from an eating disorder, we're here to help. Call 952-993-6200 to schedule an appointment and begin the journey towards healing and recovery. Melrose Heals, a conversation about eating disorders, was made possible by generous donations to the Park Nicollet Foundation.