On this episode, Dr. Karen Nelson is joined by Sophia who will continue to take us through her journey through treatment and what it means to live in recovery.
On this episode, Dr. Karen Nelson is joined by Sophia who will continue to take us through her journey through treatment and what it means to live in recovery.
For a transcript of this episode click here.
Dr. Karen Nelson: [00:00:00] Eating disorders thrive in secrecy and shame. It's when we create a safe space for honest conversation that we'll find the opportunity for healing. Hi there, I'm Dr. Karen Nelson, licensed clinical psychologist at Melrose Center, welcoming you to Melrose Heals: a conversation about eating disorders. A podcast designed to explore, discuss, and understand eating disorders and mental health. On today's episode, we're back with Sophia as she continues to take us through her journey of recovery. Now, before I begin, I invite you to take a deep breath and join me in this space.
Sophia, as we pick up with our conversation where we left off last time, you were just starting to tell our listeners you were entering into treatment and there were a lot of emotions happening for you, you know, maybe [00:01:00] overwhelmed or scared, maybe a little angry. As you were moving into treatment and starting to learn about the function of the eating disorder, I’d love to hear what it was like for you, the emotion, or any aha moments that you may have had.
Sophia: Yeah, so that was, I think for the, for a very long time, for even just like a few years, I was really just recovering. I wasn't in recovery by any means. I was getting to a place of, you know, restoring my weight. I was getting to a place of, uh, recreating habits, um. And I think there were a few moments, um, when I was able to kind of think about, you know, the narratives that I learned and, and adopted and lived by, um, once I was able to [00:02:00] pinpoint that and, and be curious about, “Okay, well, why is this the thought that's in my head?” And then actually go to a place of, “Okay, well, when was the first time I was told that? Okay, who told me that?” Then I was able to think, “Okay, is the voice that I'm hearing in my mind actually my voice, or is it the person who told me that?”And, and so it'd be, it'd be connections like that, that just started to deconstruct what I was telling myself constantly. Um, specifically, it would be, um, around the hunger cues, like, “Am I bored?” No, my stomach is growling right now. So, I'm past the point of needing to eat, so let's do something about it and not wait for it to pass because it will, and it needs to be addressed.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I love it. Retraining my brain. Thinking differently.
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Oftentimes when someone comes into [00:03:00] treatment, you kind of alluded to this fact and I want to really highlight it. You talk about it so beautifully. The initial phases of treatment, we're really working on behaviors.
Sophia: Oh, yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Where we're, right? Like, and, and it sounds like I, I was hovered in that place for a while of working to like practice eating, eat consistently, tolerate fullness. Any, any memories about what that was like?
Sophia: That was, wow, yeah. So I, um, with, with my, my therapist, my dietician, my occupational therapist, between, between me and my team, we, we figured out a, a schedule kind of a thing that was almost like a makeshift partial program. Um, I was very reluctant to go to the partial program because of needing to be able to support myself financially, and, um, I was, I had basically been told by my [00:04:00] boss that if I did that then I would lose my job. So I was very against, um, against doing that because it would take away from time I could be making money, whatever, um, but anyway, I, uh, my team was really, really, really wonderful in helping me. We would, we would schedule appointments over mealtimes and we would sit and eat together, over snack times um, we would, uh, I would meet with, you know, my therapist one day, and then I would meet with my occupational therapist the next day. And then the next day would be with my dietitian, and then I'd see my therapist again at the end of the week, so I always had a check in, um, and that was so beneficial and so helpful to keep me held accountable. And to keep me nourished because some days that would be the meal I had for the day because I was still struggling with constant restriction. Um, and a lot of the appointments that we would have wouldn't [00:05:00] be talking about, you know, diving into my mind or thinking about the why, it would be, “Okay, you're, we're having a snack. What are you feeling? Let's get grounded. Let's get,” and it was just maintenance and getting to a place of stability.
Dr. Karen Nelson: So perfect that you describe that, that there are these kind of stages of treatment, and your team just showed up and met you where you were and, and kind of moved you through those different stages of recovery, right?
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And it makes sense. You know, sometimes people initially may start therapy and, you know, they think, “Well, we need to, you know, talk about childhood and all of that.” It's like, “Oh, we'll get there.” I love talking about people's moms, right? Like, that's my favorite. Tell me about your mom. Right. Exactly. And if my brain is starving, we’re not doing that yet. We're working on a place of consistent eating, barriers that get in the way. Um, maybe I might be doing some exploration about thoughts about food, feared [00:06:00] foods, trigger foods. And, and there's all a, a, um, kind of order in process to therapy. And that's where the expertise of having specialists to meet you where you are is so important.
Sophia: So important.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Absolutely. Maybe tell us a little bit about any particular skills you learned as you were moving through therapy at any stage of therapy that was particularly helpful or, or any, you know, um, instances that you can share, what you remember about as you were moving through recovery, what was helpful.
Sophia: Yeah. Uh, the skills that I learned just to, they were, all of them are so valuable and so helpful. Um, I, yeah, I took all of the DBT groups that I possibly could. There was, I think, the mindfulness group that I probably took, you know, three, three laps in a row kind of a situation.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I love it.
Sophia: Um, [00:07:00] But I, I still use the skills daily now. Part of it is that I have all this practice using them, so when I need them, they just show up and they're right there. They're so accessible. Um, the ones that I think had the biggest impact on my recovery journey, uh, radical acceptance for sure because you have to, you have to radically accept that, you know, I'm in, I have an eating disorder, for one. I have to radically accept that because there was part of me that didn't want to believe that I even could fit criteria. Uh, I had to radically accept that I wanted recovery, and the eating disorder is what doesn't want recovery. And radically accept that my voice is different from the eating disorder voice because they sounded and felt one and the same for years. And I didn't know that they were different. And so I had to actually talk myself through, “Okay,[00:08:00] they are different, and even if I don't believe it right now, I'm going to radically accept that they are.” And through telling myself that over and over again, finding the nuance in the voices, um, or the narratives even, um, was able to help me get to a place of doing that. Um, some of the other skills that I found super helpful, I think, I think the skill that helped me switch my brain a little bit, uh, was alternate rebellion.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Tell me.
Sophia: Um, so I wanted nothing more than to rebel against the team that I had. I wanted to rebel against, um, my own voice. Okay, the eating disorder wanted to rebel against my own voice. We'll, we'll rephrase that, yeah. Um, and so I started listening to like, um, horror folk music. [00:09:00]
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yes, I did not know this was a thing, Sophia. Tell me all the things.
Sophia: So it's like, it's like a horror movie, but it's a folk song, and it's just, you know, blood and guts and gore.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I love it.
Sophia: And it's silly to listen to. I'm like, I'm going to walk into treatment and it's going to be all about these like gruesome things, and
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right.
Sophia: And so that, that to me kind of felt like a, “Yeah, I'm going to show up, but I'm going to be listening to this weird music or this like, off, off brand something.”
Dr. Karen Nelson: Totally.
Sophia: Or I'd have a fanny pack on that has, you know, a big middle finger, uh, pin on the front. And so it would always be this abrasive like, F you kind of a mentality that I'm walking in with. And it was, it was finding the humor in that that helped me still show up.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I love it.
Sophia: And kept me continuing to go.
Dr. Karen Nelson: For sure.
Sophia: And I think at the time I'm like, “This isn't gonna be helpful, this is stupid.” And then I was like, you know, “What [00:10:00] if we just bought into it? What if we just tried it, you know?” I know what it's like to not try. And that sucks. So, if I do try, and it sucks, then I'm still, like, it's not new.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right.
Sophia: Worst case scenario, we're at baseline, you know? Best case scenario, it's something different.
Dr. Karen Nelson: 100%. Absolutely.
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Well, I think, too, you know, it makes sense that I might have things to be mad at.
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: It makes sense that I might be ticked off at something, right?
Sophia: Mm hmm.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And, initially, coming into treatment, the, the thing that I might be ticked off at is my treatment team, right?
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: The eating disorder has a very big agenda telling me, “Don't get well, you know, X, Y, Z.” And so I talk with people often like, “Let's use that anger, but let's shift it. Let's move it.” Like, yeah, I want to give the middle finger to, you know, probably lots of things in my life. Let's talk about that.
Sophia: Absolutely. There's a place for it. Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I love it. I love it. And so it sounds like just maybe [00:11:00] refocusing my energy or attention or, or kind of put my effort into those places?
Sophia: Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Let's maybe talk about, oftentimes, as people are talking about eating disorder recovery, conversations about body image come up. And oftentimes people want to work on that first because it is distressing. And interestingly enough, body image often becomes one of the actually kind of final things that we work on is often we ask people to just try and work to tolerate to live in their body, and then we will work to maybe heal some of those negative messages I may have sent myself as I've moved through treatment. What's it been like for you as, as you kind of notice the progression of your thoughts about your own body or body image currently?
Sophia: Yeah. I, I had this terrible view of my body for the longest [00:12:00] time, um, and all I wanted to do was change how I felt about my body. And to do that, I was changing my body and not my mind. And being told that changing your body image starts with your mind and not your body felt so backwards.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right. Absolutely.
Sophia: And I didn't want to believe that that was going to help, um, and, and so any, any attempt that my treatment team would make to help me change my mind and not my body, I would reject. I was like, “No, this isn't, this isn't what I want, actually. This isn't the route we're going. What if we, what if I just, you know, skipped a meal instead? That sounds much easier. I know how to do that.” Um.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right. That's right.
Sophia: And I think, let's see, I don't know when that shift happened where I was like “Okay, I'll let myself change my mind a little bit.” [00:13:00] I don't know when that was. It was so nuanced, and my treatment team did a great job tricking me into doing it.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I love it. We want to say we collaborated with you, Sophia.
Sophia: Collaborated. That's what I meant to say.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But sometimes, you know, a patient of mine was like, “I don't know what kind of voodoo stuff you did, but I actually don't hate my body anymore.” She's like, “I don't know when that happened.”
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: But right. It's all of those conversations.
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: It's, it's all of the, you know, moments of sitting with someone and just slowly challenging the narrative that may have been singing to me for most of my life.
Sophia: Yep. I think it was the buildup of all of the conversations that we had about being curious about why. Okay, well why don't you want to change your mind? Why do you want to change your body instead? And it was, it was conversations like that that kept building on and then I would have that foundational piece. And then we'd [00:14:00] get an inch into the unknown and I would retreat a little bit, but I would at least have the, what I knew before. I can't, you can't take away awareness once you become aware of something, and so every little bit of awareness that I gained I had and I couldn't go back to not having it. So eventually it became, I’m not actually angry at my body anymore. I may not always like the way I look. And that's human. I don't think that's ever gonna change. Part of it's, you know, what we hear in the media. That's gonna be constant, and, and that's gonna influence the way we, we think whether we like it or not. Um, and we don’t, at the same time, we don't have to, we don't have to hate ourselves because we don't like the way we look one day.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Just perfectly [00:15:00] said. Perfectly said. And I think sometimes people talk about therapy as like planting seeds, like planting seeds of knowledge. Oftentimes, you know, behavior change and, and changing our thoughts, it does happen slowly. And, and actually the evidence tells us we want it to happen slowly. If it happens too abruptly, it's probably impulsive, and we got to talk about that.
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: You know, to be like, “Oh, yikes.” Most people don't just all of a sudden change overnight. It's this slow transition and it sounds like that's what it was for you.
Sophia: Yeah. Yeah, and it started with, not started, but part of the process for me was, um because I didn't feel connected to my body, it was hard for me to have like a good body image relationship with myself. So I started by referencing my body as a vessel, and I was residing in this vessel because I, myself, and my spirit, [00:16:00] my soul, my mind, and I live here. I, for better, for worse, this is what I've got. This is my house. This is my vessel, and I am obligated to take care of the vessel, just like you take care of your house. You live here. You, you don't want, you know, the, if you got a hole in the wall, you want to fix that, you know, there's maintenance that you have to do. Um, and, and I think that, that frame of mind really helped me to learn how to maintain. And then it became, “Okay, well, this is a vessel, then, you know, we can, we can kind of decorate the vessel a little bit.” So then I would play with makeup and I would do like a fun artistic kind of design and then it became a canvas. And then my vessel had beauty because it was, you know, it was artistic and it was, and it wasn't, it still felt separate from me to some degree. And I think it was [00:17:00] a valuable step to take to objectively seeing that there's fun, there's beauty here. Even if I don't feel it completely, I feel it some.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Sophia, I would love it if you could help our listeners know, how long were you in eating disorder treatment? What did that journey look like for you?
Sophia: Yes, I was in treatment for about four years roughly. Um, let's see, I was in, uh, I did a week of inpatient treatment and then after that I did the IOP program, so it was a couple times a week for evenings, and we would do some, um, work with the, with our group, uh, go out for a meal experience together. Um, I did that. I think I went through it twice or so, um, and so that took me through the rest of that summer. And then it [00:18:00] was, um, pretty intense, uh, meeting with, um, with my team for the next couple years. Um, I then started doing all, as many groups as I could possibly fit into my schedule. Um, and then, let's see, it would have been November of 2022, uh, was my last appointment, my last official appointment. And then, uh, then this, um, let's see, it would have been end of January, uh, my grandpa passed away and I noticed things were getting brought up again and I was noticing urges to, you know, go on a walk on my lunch instead of take a, take an actual, you know, meal.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah.
Sophia: Um, and, um, and it was in the middle of one of those walks that I stopped myself and I said, “Hold up.”
Dr. Karen Nelson: [00:19:00] Yes, what's happening here?
Sophia: We are not doing this again.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Beautiful.
Sophia: We did not just spend the last four years figuring out how to be well just to three months down the road flip the switch again. So I immediately stopped my walk and I called, um, and set up an appointment with my, um, with my therapist. And we had an appointment that same, or that next week. Um, we touched base, re-strategized, um, and then we had a follow up three weeks after that. We’re like, you know what? I really do feel like I'm back on track. And it was super validating to know I can trust myself to ask for help when I need it and not let it get too far. And it was such an important moment to stop on my walk and say, “Okay, let's examine what I'm doing.” Because I, if I wouldn't have stopped and called, [00:20:00] I could almost guarantee that I would have not ever called, maybe not ever, but I would have waited to get to a point where it was, where I was really unwell again. Um, and looking back at that, I feel so much more confident in myself to say if I need help, I know I will ask.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Beautiful. And we just know that, you know, eating disorders are, because they are around thinking and behaviors, it makes sense that I may start, you know, the slide can happen again. And so oftentimes we do plan with patients, we call it relapse prevention. We actually have an episode on it where, um, Dr. Linda Wondrash talks about it. It's so important. My brain is going to think lots of things and especially if I have a history of utilizing particular behaviors when I feel stressed and overwhelmed.
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: It just makes sense that they might show up again.
Sophia: Right. It worked before.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah.
Sophia: And it's gonna [00:21:00] work again, right?
Dr. Karen Nelson: Right.
Sophia: You know, there's a reason you did that.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's what we wanted to.
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah. Exactly.
Sophia: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Exactly. And so just taking out the shame or the, the, you know, internal punishment of like, “Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm doing this,” and just developing compassion. Wow. Yep. I must be stressed, and I know how to access help. I know how to maybe re, um, initiate some of those early recovery like behaviors. Just beautiful, beautiful work of, I mean, talk about insight. It's so great. I'm so proud of y'all.
Sophia: Thank you.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I mean, cause that's what we want, right? Is we, we know that life is going to get hard, you know? It’s not a newsflash to anybody. Right? Life is hard. We're going to go through stressors. I may have a thought or an urge or a breakthrough behavior, that doesn't mean I have fully relapsed into the eating disorder. It just means I probably need to pay attention. When you think about, you know, where you are now in, in [00:22:00] regards to food, in your relationship with food, tell us about that. What does that feel like for you now?
Sophia: Now it feels very empowering. Um, I feel like food is now a tool to be well. It is not something to be afraid of. It is not something that I am, um, it's not something that has negative connotations in my brain the way it used to. Um, I'll be honest, there are still times when I'm like, you know, I go to work and they've got, you know, a donut bar, and I'm like, my first reaction is kind of that fear sensation. And then I stop and I think, “Let's just take a breath. This is food. This is going to be delicious.”
Dr. Karen Nelson: That’s right.
Sophia: We don't have to have 20 doughnuts.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right, that’s right.
Sophia: We're going to have a doughnut with my friends, my coworkers, enjoy the experience [00:23:00] together, talk about the flavors, we're going to, we're going to let it nourish the vessel a little bit more and, and that's what it's going to be.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right.
Sophia: Yeah, there's gonna be some thoughts that pop in. They're always gonna be there. They've been there for the last 20 years. They're not gonna just go away, you know. And I don't have to listen to them with the same intensity that I listened to them before.
Dr. Karen Nelson: When you think about, as you reflect on your process of recovery, were there things that you needed as you kind of moved through recovery? Or what were some of those things that you think back on now that ended up being quite helpful and, um, influential as you moved through recovery?
Sophia: That's a good question. Some of the things that I, that I needed, I think, in the beginning, I needed the control to be taken out of my [00:24:00] hands. And I didn't want that, and I needed that, and that's what I got. I, I had complete control taken away from me. And as uncomfortable and, as it was, cause it was, um, that got my body to a place of, of stability again. And then it became, “Okay, I need, um, I need a different way to, um, to process through what I'm feeling.” Um, so in tandem with, with the eating disorder program, um, I was also seeing a trauma therapist again, someone I had seen kind of off and on before treatment and then, you know, a couple years of not seeing her and then kind of revisiting that again. Um, and going into it with new eyes, um, with the understanding [00:25:00] that I'm actually going to be okay. I also needed my team to meet me where I was at, and to go through the motions of just eating together, and to get myself regulated because without that, there was no way that I was going to be able to or ready to dive into my brain.That was, that was so far down the road that I, it wasn't going to happen, so I needed to, to continue to work on just the, the baseline needs, um, before I could dive into anything else. And then once those were kind of getting to a place of, of okay, so to speak, then we can kind of start adding in some other things. And then I started feeling my body, and so I needed something to, what I thought I needed was something to, um, numb out my body or, or something to distract myself from feeling that, and what I [00:26:00] actually needed was a way to relate to my body. And I needed a way to feel my body that felt safe. Um, so then with my trauma therapist, we started doing some EMDR kind of, um, kind of work, and really, really diving into the why, and let's find the root of it. Let's see if, do we still believe that? Or you know, why, why was it so helpful to believe that for so long? Because it was. It served a purpose. And it doesn't serve the same purpose that it does now. Now, it's been so twisted and warped into something different. Now I can see that the old narrative is less helpful than this new narrative.Even though that was helpful at the time. This is better.
Dr. Karen Nelson: So important to acknowledge that and just a beautiful [00:27:00] description, really, really powerful. I think too, you know, again, having a specialized team where we understand the importance of the progression of recovery. We're not going to do intensive trauma work when someone is malnourished and so triggered that they can't even experience their body. We're, of course, we're not going to do that. And so having your team just really meet you where you are and progress with you. It's just so important to not feel alone in all of that. When you think back, Sophia, on your diagnosis and, you know, kind of responses from friends and family, what do you remember about that? Any, any, you know, helpful things that friends and family said? Any not so helpful things friends and family said? What do you remember about that?
Sophia: Yeah, um, I remember it was really hard for me to accept compliments after I had [00:28:00] gotten the diagnosis because everything felt like a compliment on my body and my vessel, and I was having a terrible relationship with it. And so when I would get positive reinforcement for the way I looked, my brain was conditioned to think, “Well, that means that I've lost weight. That means that I am thinner and that's a good thing.” Um, I say with all air quotes.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yes, exactly.
Sophia: And, um, and so it was really hard for me to be able to accept a compliment for, for the way I, the way I looked. Um, so something that I talked with my friends and family about was what compliments feel okay for me to receive right now. Now at this phase, uh, phase of my recovery, it doesn't really matter. People can say what they want and I will accept a compliment and whatever. It doesn't, [00:29:00] doesn't phase me. In the beginning though, any compliment was me doing like a self check, like, “Okay, well, uh, okay, this, this top makes me look thinner, so I will remember to wear this one again, or when I wear this, then,” that kind of narrative in my head. So, what we talked about was compliments that would feel comfortable and one of the things that my therapist did was talk with me about, well, what, what would feel okay? Because you don't want to take away someone's experience of complimenting because in some ways that's sharing love with someone. That's saying, “Oh, I appreciate you and I want you to know that I appreciate you.” Um, and to tell someone that they can't compliment you or, or share that takes away from their experience as well. Um, so compliments that felt comfortable at that time were things about my mind or about my personality. “Oh, you're so funny.” “Oh, I love the [00:30:00] connection you made with that.” Or, or something like, you know, “you have such a kind heart" or “you are so patient and so compassionate.” Things like that, that have nothing to do with my body or what I'm wearing or, or anything like that. That, that was something I could, I could, I could take in.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Well, oftentimes our patients talk about in, uh, you know, family or friends kind of best effort, they may kind of, um, in error, trigger the person, right? You know, um, I'll have family come in all the time and, you know, my patient will say, “We, we gotta tell my mom and dad to stop talking about they're proud of how much I'm eating.” Like mom and dad might be, you know, they're, they're working really hard to support the kid or the teen or the loved one but please don't comment on food or please don't talk about me, quote, looking healthy. That's another thing that often really triggers the shit out of people of [00:31:00] like, “Do not tell me I look healthy.” What is, I don't even know what that means.
Sophia: You might as well tell me, I just like, yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I gained weight.
Sophia: Yeah, exactly.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Because that's what a lot of my patients, yeah, who, you know, may be, you know, working on, you know, weight restoration because of restriction. Healthy can become a really triggering word. I am so glad you brought that up, of like, there's other ways to compliment people other than the clothes that they're wearing or what their physical body looks like. What was that like for you to like, say that out loud to friends and family, like, can you not comment on my body? How did they take that?
Sophia: You know, they took it well. My, my, my friends and family, while they don't always understand or get it all the time, they had the best intentions. And so when I come to them, even now when I come to my friends and family with, “Hey, I'm noticing this. Can we have a conversation about it?” Or, “I'm going to request that you let me know what we're having for [00:32:00] dinner when I come up to visit.” Or, “Ccan you, you know, when, when you're feeling like you want to give me a compliment, can you direct it away from the way I look or what I'm eating or, or that kind of thing?” They, they took it with grace. And, did they mess up? Absolutely.
Dr. Karen Nelson: You're right. Well, we do.
Sophia: We're human.
Dr. Karen Nelson: We're like humans.
Sophia: Exactly. Um, and, and almost every time it was, it was also like, “Oh, let me, let me try again, or let me, let me rephrase that.” And so my, my friends and family have been, have been a big support.
Dr. Karen Nelson: This stuff is hard. And there's a reason why we avoid these things. And then, when we don't say what we need, what we know about eating disorders is that actually can become a trigger to want to utilize symptoms, to suppress emotion. I may want to engage in behaviors, and so, self advocacy, speaking up for myself, saying what I need, is [00:33:00] a huge issue that we talk about in therapy and, and just beautiful work that I can hear you worked on with your therapist. Just excellent work.
Sophia: To go back to the skills, it is a complete work with opposite action.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sophia: When every part of my, myself, all of the shame is telling me, “Hide it. Don't tell anyone. Don't ask for help. Just let it fester.” To actually say, “Okay, I feel this and I'm going to ask anyway.”
Dr. Karen Nelson: That’s right.
Sophia: "I'm going to, I don't want to do it, and I'm going to do it anyway.”
Dr. Karen Nelson: Beautiful. Really, really important. And the healing power of therapy sometimes is initially with my patients, having them be able to assess what do I feel because if I've been taught for most of my growing up years not to feel or that I feel wrong, that can be pretty confusing.
Sophia: Oh yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: So maybe first we start with, what am I feeling? Is it okay to feel what I feel? What if I have conflicting feelings? That often is mind blowing [00:34:00] for people. You can have two opposite feelings at the exact same time, and neither one is wrong.
Sophia: Yes.
Dr. Karen Nelson: They just both exist.
Sophia: Yep.
Dr. Karen Nelson: It sounds like all of that became really important as you moved through recovery.
Sophia: Oh yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: You know, as we kind of round out our conversation today, I would love it, you know, we most likely do have listeners that are, you know, tuning in right now and are working on their own recovery. Any thoughts or feedback you'd like to give them as they're listening?
Sophia: Yeah. Um. It's hard work. This is hard work that we're all doing. And the work doesn't stop. It will continue. And it is worth it.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah. That's perfect. That's perfect. Sophia, I can't thank you enough for this conversation. You're just a gem.
Sophia: Thanks. This has been equally healing for me as it [00:35:00] is, I hope, for folks who are listening. Sharing my story is part of that opposite action of not hiding it anymore and not saying that this is just my experience and this is something that I'm ashamed of. It's part of my life. This is what I have gone through and I'm not the only one who's going through this, and the more I talk about it, the less power the eating disorder voice has in my brain.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Beautiful. I mean, it's a story of resilience and strength and power. That's what I hear.
Sophia: Yeah. Yeah. It feels that way to me, too.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That’s it for today. Thanks for joining me. We've covered a lot, so I encourage you to let it settle and filter in. And as I tell my patients at the end of every session, take notice, pay attention, and we'll take it as it comes. I'll talk to you next time. To learn more about Melrose Center, please visit melroseheals.com.[00:36:00] If you or a loved one are suffering from an eating disorder, we're here to help. Call 9529936200 to schedule an appointment and begin the journey towards healing and recovery. We'd love to hear your feedback on our episodes, the topics we cover, and anything you'd like to hear me discuss on the show. Our email address is melrose@parknicolette.com. I look forward to hearing from you. Melrose Heals, a conversation about eating disorders, was made possible by generous donations to the Park Nicolette Foundation.