On today's episode, we'll be sharing a story of recovery. Dr. Karen Nelson is joined by Cindy who will take us through her daughter's journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery.
On today's episode, we'll be sharing a story of recovery. Dr. Karen Nelson is joined by Cindy who will take us through her daughter's journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery.
For a transcript of this episode click here.
Dr. Karen Nelson: [00:00:00] Eating disorders thrive in secrecy and shame. It's when we create a safe space for honest conversation that we'll find the opportunity for healing. Hi there, I'm Dr. Karen Nelson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist at Melrose Center, welcoming you to Melrose Heals, a conversation about eating disorders. A podcast designed to explore, discuss, and understand eating disorders and mental health.
On today's episode, we'll be sharing a story of recovery. I'm joined by Cindy, who will take us through her daughter's journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery. Now, before I begin, I invite you to take a deep breath and join me in this space.
Cindy, welcome to the podcast today. I'm so happy to have you here with me. [00:01:00]
Cindy: Hi, thank you for having me.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Today we're going to be talking about your daughter's eating disorder journey from your perspective. Well, as we get started, I, first of all, for full disclosure, your daughter has given us permission for you to talk about her eating disorder recovery through your eyes. And so I think it's just so important that we first of all, acknowledge that she's given permission and that we get to uniquely hear your experience as a mom, working to help your daughter recover from her eating disorder.
Cindy: Yes. Yep. And I'm happy to share it and she's given me permission. So here we go.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Tell me about your daughter, Sarah. Help us get to know her a little bit. Sure. She is the youngest of five. So, she's the baby of the family, and just happy-go-lucky, very social. She's on the quieter side, but I always say it's because she had four siblings speaking for her. But she did learn to become a little strong willed because she had to be known somehow, so she would learn to kind of stand [00:02:00]up for herself. She's very active. She has great friends, active in school, plays sports, and just loves to travel. She's really, really close to her sisters, and just loves life.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I love it. So it sounds like, as a family, you guys enjoy traveling, she's an athlete, other things that you guys like to do together.
Cindy: We love to just be outside. So even the other night, the girls packed up their sleeping bags and slept in the tree house.
Dr. Karen Nelson: What?
Cindy: And it was the snowfall the other day, so they woke up to this winter wonderland.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Just cool kid. Right?
Cindy: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Just likes to do all the good things.
Cindy: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Absolutely. And so just how cool it is to be a mom to a kid who's just a really neat soul. And as we begin talking today, I think it's important that we talk about the eating disorder isn't the person, right? The eating disorder is kind of this thing that comes in and sometimes takes over. Let's start to explore how you maybe [00:03:00] started to notice the eating disorder begin to kind of wander into Sarah's behaviors?
Cindy: Really the change we saw was COVID. So all of a sudden the world kind of shut down. The one thing that really started was my three girls. Because the gym was closed, soccer was shut down. And so they started running and doing HIIT, high intensity interval training. And rollerblading, doing all these things. I was watching it like, ‘That's so great, they're just bonding, they're having fun.’ And so that was going on without a hitch and everything was great. They wanted to stay in good shape for the soccer season, whenever that would pick up. And then after probably a couple months, my oldest daughter came to me and said, ‘Watch Sarah. Something's going on.’ And I'm like, ‘Really?’ She goes, ‘Yeah, I just think she's like, not eating as much as she should be and things are happening and just watch.’ And so I [00:04:00] always, I could cry just thinking about it, but very grateful for my daughter just because it's under our roof. We're all home. There's not like she's even secretly doing it. We're just it happened in front of our eyes. And so I started watching and noticing she wasn't having dessert. She was only having this little bit. She wanted to do family style meal where everyone dishes up their own instead of me plating it. So it's little things like that. And then I noticed if I would offer her something, there was a little bit more pushback than there ever was before. And so I then did make an appointment. I called some friends who had experience in eating disorders. One had a daughter that had it, and so she recommended places to call. So I called one. They said, do an intake. Of course, it's COVID. Everything is online. So I called. My daughter sat there with me. It was virtual. And they said, yes, she has anorexia with restriction and over-exercise. She [00:05:00] needs to stop all exercise right now and you need to start refeeding her.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yes.
Cindy: With FBT. I had no idea what I was getting into.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I think it's important for us to pause for a moment. I love how you describe, kind of this slide and uptick of symptoms where I might not have even really noticed it. And I think it's important for us to name that. You know, many times families come in and say, ‘I didn't think it was a thing. I didn't, I thought they were just maybe working out or I thought that maybe they were just quote eating healthy,’ right? And so acknowledging that the eating disorder is in the business of secrecy. Like, that is its MO, is like, how do I fly under the radar and not be noticed? And thankfully, your older daughter being able to come to you so bravely and say, ‘Mom, I think you should just watch Sarah.’ And then you maybe did notice in a different way. Or tell us about [00:06:00] what you remember about as you started watching.
Cindy: It was her birthday then. She was turning 13 to 14, and we had a cake. She wouldn't eat it.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah.
Cindy: It was like devastating. That's when we realized this is real, something is seriously wrong.
Dr. Karen Nelson: So let's maybe talk about, as you started to notice that your daughter was restricting, is what it sounds like. Did you ever bring that up to your daughter prior to getting that initial assessment done?
Cindy: Yes, but I think it was pretty clear at that point. She would deny, and then she would be even sneaking downstairs to be doing jumping jacks and sit ups. And you could hear. You know, if she was upstairs, you could hear the squeaking of the floor. And so there was a lot of denial and hiding. She did tell her sister at one point, ‘I think something's wrong.’
Dr. Karen Nelson: Interesting
Cindy: Yeah. So I do remember she had said that at one point. And so then she, that's why she was willing to get assessed and [00:07:00] she knew she wanted help because she just couldn't – she couldn't stop whatever she was doing.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I think you bring up a good point that many times what our patients tell us is how quickly they can feel out of control with the symptom, but they may feel shame in not wanting to talk about it.
Cindy: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Or I don't want to mention it. So let's maybe kind of go back to that moment of realization, ‘Gosh, something is happening.’ Here it is her birthday and she's refusing to have birthday cake. You make the decision to call in for an intake.
Cindy: So it was probably a week between her birthday and when we fully started online. She sat there not, probably, happily, but she was willing to do the work that she needed to do. It was more the hands on feeding that was the hardest, where I had to plate everything I needed to sit by her. And it sounds easy, like, ‘Oh sure, dish up food, sit by her, watch her [00:08:00] eat.’ No, it's not that easy. So the eating disorder didn't want her to eat everything. So unbeknownst to me of how this works, she's running out the door. She's throwing food in the woods. She's wiping food under the table. She's feeding the dog. She's putting it in her shoe. She's putting it in her sports bra, you know, whatever the situation is. So we are just battling this, what we would call ‘ED’ or the beast and it hijacked our daughter.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That’s right.
Cindu: And so I learned through the research I did is to separate her from the eating disorder. So I was never battling her. And I would always tell her that I am fighting for you to help you to get healthy. So she always knew we loved her, her dad, her siblings, but the dinner table for us was always a place of community and coming together and sharing. All of a sudden it became a battleground.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Oh, [00:09:00] it's just, it's devastating. You bet. You bet. I want to honor all of that emotion. That you feel because I think it just really indicates the intensity of what's happening. And we kind of have a tagline here at Melrose. We say, when you are feeling, you’re healing. And it's the truth. And that place of, as her mom sitting next to her at the table and the intensity that was there, what do you remember about that?
Cindy: She was just upset. I mean, she was in turmoil. It was just so difficult and it was painful for me to watch her go through that too. But I could just see the angst in her and she'd just look at it. And we knew, and I would say it over and over, that this is her medicine. It's like if she had cancer, we would give [00:10:00] her chemo. And this is, with her eating disorder, food was her medicine and it's the only thing she could do is to feed her body, to feed her brain, because her brain was just not operating the way that it was needing to or had been, and it had been starved.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Tell us about that initial appointment here at Melrose. What do you remember about that?
Cindy: Yeah, so trying to do FBT at home for those couple months, we worked as hard as we could and did whatever we could. And she did gain some weight back, but I knew she needed much more. We knew she needed to be in person. And so I did call Melrose then, and they were able to get her in. I remember it was on a Friday. And we were just going to do an intake and find out what they would recommend. And so I brought her. And they did all the testing, her heart rate, weight, and they said she needs to be admitted right now. And I just remember, you know, we had masks on at that time, [00:11:00] and we just looked at each other and just started bawling. And she's promising, ‘Mom, I promise I'll eat. I'll do whatever you ask me to do. Please don't make me stay here.’ And of course, it's breaking my heart, and I just said, I love you, and you need this. I just remember thinking this is an answer to prayer, because we did whatever we could. And we just needed extra help. And so they even said, you can think about it and go home and come back. And I'm like, oh no.
Dr. Karen Nelson: We're here.
Cindy: We're here. We're staying. So the initial was hard and very tearful, but it was also a relief.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Absolutely. Absolutely. Because trying to manage this all on our own is overwhelming. And the support that you get from the team is just intimately important. It kind of gives you the roadmap of where to go. [00:12:00] So tell us about, your daughter is admitted into our intensive residential program. What was treatment like?
Cindy: Yeah, I remember because it was COVID too, she had her own room. Yes. Because nobody could share.
Dr. Karen Nelson: We couldn't share.
Cindy: That's right. Exactly. So, which was a first for her because she always shared her room with her sister.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Good point. I love it.
Cindy: But I think she felt cared for. She felt nurtured. She didn't feel alone because we could always be there. We did receive a phone call. They would allow them to call us, you know, and so she'd be like, ‘When are you coming?’ But we didn't want to be there too much either. We didn't want – we knew she needed to do the work, and we didn't want her to fall back on us too much. She ate everything she needed to eat. She did what she needed to do. The one thing I know I caught her doing, she had braces at the time, is she would stuff food up in her braces, and then when she'd get back to her room, she would spit it out into a piece of paper and put it in her backpack.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah. [00:13:00]
Cindy: And so, I was there for a meal, and then I said, ‘What are you doing?’ And then I went to the nurse's station, and I said, ‘You might want to check on this, because I think this might be a problem.’ And they did. Right away, they cleaned her room, they talked to her, they moved her to a different room to be right across from the nurse's station, so they could keep an eye on her. She never did it again.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And once again, I mean, eating disorders are in the business of secrecy. And so we just know that, again, being able to separate – it wasn't your daughter that was being sneaky, it was the eating disorder.
Cindy: Right.
Dr. Karen Nelson: It's kind of clawing its way, saying, don't want to go away, I want to hang on. And good for you for noticing, right? When we pay attention or when we're given the instruction or tools on what to even look for or notice, it can be deeply helpful. I think sometimes when we might feel scared or uncomfortable, that old adage of like, ‘Oh, it'll work [00:14:00] itself out, or maybe it'll go away, or she'll grow out of it.’ Right? Sometimes I hear those comments from parents again, and we just with lots of compassion and nurture and say, of course we want it to just go away on its own. And specifically, if we're talking about an eating disorder diagnosis, we need support in helping it. As your daughter was diagnosed and you entered into treatment, the recommended treatment was family based therapy, or FBT. We want to acknowledge when we use the term FBT, it is – we're talking about family based therapy. It's an evidence-based treatment for eating disorder recovery for adolescents. It involves parents and caregivers to help their child recover from an eating disorder. And you knew how important it was for your family to be involved in her treatment. Let's start talking about that a little bit. What was that like as you were [00:15:00] presented with, this is the evidence based treatment of how to help your daughter recover?
Cindy: Well, right away, I just read up on it and just learning what it is and what we need to do. So the three meals, three snacks every three hours, and just making sure she's getting everything she needs. So it was a full time job. Fortunately, I have a flexible schedule with my job, so I know it's difficult for parents that work full time. That's a tricky thing. And I also had, if I was gone, you know, my husband could step in, or older sister could step in. I also didn't want to alter their relationship. Because I know they don't want to be the food police either. So I took the brunt of it. I took that as, you know, my calling to plate every meal, feed, and follow through. Because, like you said, the eating disorder does not want that and will fight back and excuses and – I hate to say it, but – [00:16:00] violence. I mean, there's physical fighting back, there's verbal. Words I had never heard my daughter say in her whole entire life or since then. But in talking about it now, because like you said, the eating disorder likes secrecy, so we talk about it openly now. I know she's in a good place because she can talk about it, but she doesn't remember a lot of it because her brain was starved. That she just either blocked it out, or she just truly does not remember. The rest of us do.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right.
Cindy: Yes.
Dr. Karen Nelson: It was hard.
Cindy: Yes.
Dr. Karen Nelson: this was really hard and painful. You bet.
Cindy: Yeah, but we knew that the outcome is there. And so we had just had to persevere and we knew it was going to be hard and I was not going to give up. And there was going to be excuses coming from her and pushback, but I had to plow through and I remember talking to one mom where she said, ‘Whatever that hard thing is, do it today.’ One specific day, it was a donut. And I [00:17:00] had bought some donuts, and I told her I have them on the counter. But I was scared. I was literally scared to give it to her. And she said, ‘Then you would need to do it now.’
Dr. Karen Nelson: Wow.
Cindy: So I did. And it was scary for both of us. But she did it, and then she tackled it, and then you have to just kind of keep doing it, so it becomes not scary anymore. Because everyone will have those fear foods, and it's different for everybody, and not to shy away from it. We have to be able to have complete food freedom.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right. Absolutely. All foods fit, right?
Cindy: Yes. Amen.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's what we say at Melrose. All foods fit. And the eating disorder, wow, do they have a lot of rules oftentimes.
Cindy: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And again, I like how you are able to describe the eating disorder's desire to kind of maintain itself, may have expressed itself through anger or violence or, right? Like yelling or screaming or families will say their kid might throw food or they [00:18:00] don't want to engage with the food, so they'll do just about anything to not engage with it. And your message is: Keep going.
Cindy: Yep. Yep. Don't be afraid of ED or the eating disorder. Because that's what it wants. It wants you to back off.
Dr. Karen Nelson: You got it.
Cindy: And just, but nope, you just go that far forward and push that much harder to get your child free.
Dr. Karen Nelson: It's so true. It's so true. And I like how you described, even naming it for your daughter, that, you know, ‘I'm here for you. Like, I know this is the eating disorder. I know that in your right mind you wouldn't be this angry or upset, but it's the eating disorder that's so angry and upset.’
Cindu: Yeah. Yeah. And when she could think clearly, I would often find a note on my nightstand apologizing, you know, so I knew when she could think clearly and separate herself from it, she felt awful about it. There were all those glimmers [00:19:00] of hope that she was still there.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Wow.
Cindy: And we just kept us going forward because of that.
Dr. Karen Nelson: As you were moving through therapy for the eating disorder, any parts that were kind of hard in therapy, or what do you remember about some of those therapy sessions?
Cindy: To be honest, I look forward to the therapy sessions.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Tell me! Well, do I love that answer. Keep going.
Cindy: I just loved having a professional perspective and putting it all out in the open.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That’s right.
Cindy: And we could just really tap into the knowledge of somebody that knows this inside and out. And to give me the tools, to give Sarah the tools, to be able to just dig deeper than we could ourselves. I guess it's kind of like marriage therapy, you know, you just talk about things more openly and just get new things out on the table that maybe you wouldn't otherwise.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I love that. Well, and I think [00:20:00] too, like you were mentioning, we all come into treatment with different thoughts, ideas, perspectives, even just kind of naming that piece of how you and your husband might have looked at things a little bit different, and how therapy can be this like equalizing ground of, ‘This is our plan for the week or this is what the eating disorder is doing.’ To just help us be on the same page can be really, really impactful, right?
Cindy: Yeah, absolutely.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Tell us maybe about that place of, as a mom, right? In kind of this natural place of nurturance that we have for our children. What was that like for you? Families enter into therapy for eating disorders. It doesn't just impact the person who is struggling with the eating disorder. It can impact the whole family.
Cindy: Yeah, as a mom.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah.
Cindy: Because all of us love our kids so much. And from the day they're born, you feed them.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Right.
Cindy: And from the [00:21:00] moment they're out of the womb, you feed them. And then they grow and they develop. And whether you're nursing or bottle feeding or baby food, you just, that's an extension of your love and care for your child. So it just was really hard when all of a sudden that part changes. And something that's loving is causing pain for your child. And so that was really hard to just kind of wrap my brain around, ‘This is love because I am giving her body what she needs, even though it doesn't feel like it in the moment.’ And so just persevering and just pushing that was what she needed. And now we're back to a point where it's much more accepted. She is eating, but I will still say it's not completely 100 percent normal. Because I feel like, if I completely backed off, would she eat three and [00:22:00] three? Would she eat what she needs to eat? She's recovered. I will 100 percent say she's recovered, but that's still with a little bit of wiggle room in there. So I have my radar up and I know she'll be heading off to college in a couple of years. So my goal is to get it where she will be completely free of this. Relapse prevention and just get her where she can go off and we both feel great about it.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I think that description again of when as a caregiver, as a mom, we're watching our loved ones hurt, it hurts us. Right? And working to kind of manage our own emotion around that. It makes sense that I might want to stop doing something if it feels too hard or painful. And oftentimes what I talk about in eating disorder recovery is, eating disorder recovery is hard. And we can't stop. We gotta keep going. Because just as you described, it's [00:23:00] through the discomfort that recovery happens. If we avoid the thing that is potentially causing discomfort, we might miss an opportunity to heal. And so you just described it so beautifully: You persevered. I mean, it's probably the best word, right?
Cindy: Yes, yes. And I remember being in the thick of it and hearing other people say that, and I couldn't believe it. Like, really? I can't even imagine being at that point where she will just eat and not fight and battle. And now I can honestly say and look back and say, ‘Keep going because you will get here too.’
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's so good. Were there any particular skills that you needed to learn as a mom and a caregiver for your daughter as she was working to recover from her eating disorder? What do you remember about that?
Cindy: Well, it's interesting because, you know, like we had said: As a mom, you are a caretaker, but usually as your child is becoming 13, 14, [00:24:00] 15, they're gaining independence. And that is usually when you kind of give them a little bit more freedom. But you have to take it back for this time and to be able to just say, ‘It's just for this time where I'm going to nurture you and plate your food and just be there and prepare things for you.’ And I also had to learn to step back. Not get sucked into the battle of the eating disorder, because that's what it wants. It wants we, as caregivers, to back off and give up. But I would maybe step away for a minute. I had a prayer closet. I would go in.
Dr. Karen Nelson: It's perfect.
Cindy: Shut the door.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yes.
Cindy: If anyone needed to find me, they'd know where to go.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right.
Cindy: So I would go in there and just, I mean, everyone has different ways of how they handle things, but it would just take some time, pray, calm down, and then I could come back and face the beast again. And then just, ‘Nope, this is what we're doing. I'm not giving in.’ And just to stay strong for her because she couldn't be strong for herself.
Dr. Karen Nelson: When you think about, as [00:25:00] Sarah was moving through recovery, were there any spaces where her siblings were included in treatment or conversations? Or what did you notice about how your family managed that?
Cindy: Yes, there were some times when Sarah graduated from inpatient and we were doing outpatient. And then we had Lindsay, our amazing therapist.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yay, Lindsay!
Cindy: Love her.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Right.
Cindy: Yes. She would incorporate the siblings in it sometimes too, just to ask them how it affected them and what they could do to come alongside Sarah and just really being open and honest with them that it does affect them too. And she was there for all of us. So yeah, it was great just to have that extra support, and made them feel heard and cared for as well.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I love that. Absolutely. Any particular things that you might want to tell our listeners about the parts that maybe were hard for you as you moved through this. Because I think, again, we want to send the message of hope [00:26:00] and recovery as possible. But again, in that space of transparency and openness, it feels important for us to name that two things can be true at the same time. It is possible to recover, and it can be hard. Anything that you'd like to say about that, or some of those hard moments, or how you maybe handled them?
Cindy: Yeah, it's amazing how the eating disorder happens so quickly, but it takes a very long time to gain it back and for the recovery. So that was a big surprise thinking, okay, she lost 30 pounds in two months. She'll gain it back in two months. It's not that easy. So that was hard. Just like, you're in it for the long haul, however long that could be. It's a battle every day. You're kind of in charge of it for the most part with support and it's emotional. I mean, there's just a lot of factors to it. So it's physical, it's emotional. It's just everything wrapped into one. So just, to know that it's [00:27:00] hard and you're not alone in that and everyone's story is different. And so you can talk about it with other parents and resonate some similarities but know that your child's story is unique to them.
Dr. Karen Nelson: You've named it perfectly. The eating disorder, the path may look a little bit different. It is maybe more challenging, right, is kind of what I hear you say.
Cindy: Right, and especially because their medicine is food and that's the last thing they want.
Dr. Karen Nelson: They don't want their medicine.
Cindy: No.
Dr. Karen Nelson: You got it.
Cindy: No.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Exactly. And all the emotion that comes up with that, right?
Cindy: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Because the eating disorder is in the business. of not recovering. I mean, that's what the eating disorder wants. It doesn't want recovery. We know that we need recovery, but the eating disorder says no.
Cindy: Yeah. Yeah. It just wants to keep a grasp on your child. And we had talked about the extinction burst. So there is this moment where you're almost there and you think like you see recovery, you see [00:28:00] the light at the end of the tunnel, but then all of a sudden it just blows up. And it is like, so bad. And I remember that with my daughter where it was over a glass of milk and the milk ended up all over the floor. And my other daughter and I ended up just, we needed to step out. We went in the car, went for a drive, ended up in a parking lot, crying and praying. And then we came back and we poured another glass of milk. And by then Sarah had calmed down and she finished the milk. And then I really think that that's the one that I remember the most. Because it never happened again.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Wow.
Cindy: There was never another outburst or spill or throwing, and so it's very clear that that kind of set it off. So it does, it gets worse before it gets better.
Dr. Karen Nelson: You know, the fancy words in therapy, right? Extinction burst. It just means when we're trying to extinguish a behavior, the behavior will kind of explode [00:29:00] before it eventually then does extinguish. And it's just really common in eating disorder recovery, where people might gain some momentum and things are going well, but then the eating disorder will make one final effort, right, to say, ‘Hey, use me, hang on to me.’ And once again, through your persistence, you regrouped, you took a deep breath, you expressed the emotion and you kept going. We're going to challenge it.
Cindy: You know, it might be hard, but just do it. So that'd be my biggest encouragement is just face it head on and don't be afraid.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And then we're going to deal with it, right? Then we're going to go to therapy the next week and we're going to talk about it and we're going to try those challenge foods and we're going to continue to make a plan. You can't shame someone into recovery and you can't fully recover out of fear. You just can't. Like, it's through that space of vulnerability and bravery and courage that people really get better. And that is [00:30:00] literally what I hear you describing. You have so much courage, Cindy.
Cindy: Yeah, and for Sarah, too.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Tell me about, as we think about, as you moved through treatment and recovery, tell us about what is life like now for Sarah?
Cindy: Well, I'm happy to say she has her life back. That year of 2020, you know, because she had to stop all exercise. So she had soccer taken away from her. So she wasn't able to do her club sports. She wasn't able to do her freshman year of soccer with the high school team. And so her goal all along was kind of, the carrot dangling was, she wanted soccer back. And so she did. She was cleared to play completely, and so she's played the last couple of years and made varsity and just doing really, really well.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's so great.
Cindy: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Oftentimes in eating disorder recovery, we talk about sometimes lapses or sometimes symptoms, kind of wanting to show back up. [00:31:00] What have you noticed as she has moved through recovery? Do symptoms ever show up?
Cindy: Oh, sure. Yep, there's definitely things, but it's kind of like you can catch it right away because you know what to look for. And so she will often say, ‘I don't want milk.’ You know, so we'll either just say, ‘Just have it,’ or we'll come up with an alternative that will still give her what she needs. So she, in her own mind, knows she will never go back.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Tell us about what is your relationship like now with your daughter as you both have moved through this experience.
Cindy: We are really close. Yeah, it's good. And such a blessing. I feel like going through something like that is so bonding. I think it takes a little while to kind of recover more for me than her because of the memories that I have. And her sisters too. I think they had to work through a little bit of that. But every day [00:32:00] they just, it's just rebuilt, you know, and it's stronger and she's more mature now and their friendship is just deeper.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Cindy, there are likely listeners who are parents or caregivers right now for a child who's in the midst of their eating disorder recovery. Anything that you'd like to say to them?
Cindy: Just to take it one day at a time. Actually, one meal at a time, because each meal is a battle in itself. And just to not give up, just know recovery is possible. Sometimes I wish that I could come to their house and sit with them and just encourage their child, ‘Just one more bite, you can do this.’ And you have sometimes have distractions, whether you read a book to them or you watch some YouTube videos or just something to distract them from what they're doing and eating. But just want to encourage them, yeah, to [00:33:00] just persevere. And don't give up and stay strong. You know your daughter more than anybody else. You know her better. Your relationship is special. Even though it's painful at this time and she may not like you very much.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right. Good point.
Cindy: Just know –
Dr. Karen Nelson: The eating disorder doesn't like you.
Cindy: Yes, exactly. And even though the eating disorder doesn't like you very much, that she does. And she will thank you for fighting for her and fighting for her freedom. So just to come alongside her and put your arm around her, let her know, just continually let her know how much you love her. And because you love her, you're not going to let the eating disorder win.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I love it. You said it perfect. Well, Cindy, I can't thank you enough. This has just been a wonderful conversation. Thank you for sharing your story.
Cindy: Thank you. Thanks for having me.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's it for today. Thanks for joining me. We've covered a lot, so I encourage you to let it settle and [00:34:00] filter in. And as I tell my patients at the end of every session: Take notice, pay attention, and we'll take it as it comes. I'll talk to you next time. To learn more about Melrose Center, please visit MelroseHeals.com.
If you or a loved one are suffering from an eating disorder, we're here to help. Call 952 993 6200 to schedule an appointment and begin the journey towards healing and recovery. Melrose Heals: A Conversation About Eating Disorders was made possible by generous donations to the Park Nicollet Foundation.