On this episode, we will be sharing a story of recovery. Dr. Karen Nelson is joined by Corey, who will take us through his journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery.
On this episode, we will be sharing a story of recovery. Dr. Karen Nelson is joined by Corey, who will take us through his journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery.
For a transcript of this episode click here.
Dr. Karen Nelson:[00:00:00] Eating disorders thrive in secrecy and shame. It's when we create a safe space for honest conversation that we'll find the opportunity for healing. Hi there, I'm Dr. Karen Nelson, licensed clinical psychologist at Melrose Center, welcoming you to Melrose Heals: a conversation about eating disorders. A podcast designed to explore, discuss, and understand eating disorders and mental health. On today's episode, we're sharing a story of recovery. I'm joined by Corey, who will take us through his journey of diagnosis, treatment, and what it means to live in recovery. Now, before I begin, I invite you to take a deep breath and join me in this space. Welcome to the podcast, Corey. So happy to have you here with me today.
Corey: Hey, thanks for having me.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I am just absolutely delighted to have you here with me. Full disclosure, [00:01:00] I've been your therapist for the past several years, and we get to sit together in this space and talk about your journey through the eating disorder and into recovery.
Corey: I've been very fortunate to have you in my corner on, on my team, so to speak here for the last, uh, six, seven years, something like that. And yeah, just really grateful to have the opportunity to come on your podcast and, and talk about eating disorders and recovery and just that whole journey and, and what goes into it. And just tell my story a little bit, and hopefully that helps somebody.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I'm just really honored. And so maybe we, before we begin, you can just briefly introduce yourself.
Corey: My name is Corey, Corey Atkinson. Um, that sounded like a James Bond thing. It is not.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Perfect, actually. I love it.
Corey: Yeah, so I have been somebody that has always kind of struggled with an eating disorder, um, really since the age of 16. I'm, uh, 41 now. It was definitely just a situation where I just didn't address it for a long, long [00:02:00] time, and when I got into my mid thirties, I started having these panic attacks. And I really didn't know they were panic attacks at the time. I really thought I was having something to do with, uh, maybe a heart condition, um, and it's, it scared me. It was terrifying. And after talking, you know, just some initial onboarding, figuring stuff out, trying to get to the, the root cause of what was going on, I I started putting things together that the behaviors that I was doing were that of an eating disorder, and I, at that point in time, realized that I couldn't let it go. Like, I was in a position where I felt like I was fighting for my life, and I needed to reach out and get some help. I needed to find something that I could latch on to that would give me hope. And fortunately enough, I got a referral to Melrose and I have been on a really good, difficult, but [00:03:00] good path ever since.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Amazing. You know, beautiful summary. The piece that I really kind of connected in with and actually might resonate for a lot of our listeners is kind of physical symptoms that were coming up for you, and that potentially being an entryway into a broader discussion about mental health.
Corey: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Like, some of the panic symptoms, they can feel like a heart attack, is what people share. Or what do you remember?
Corey: Absolutely. I, I, it was just a normal day. I was getting ready to go to bed, and I stood up from the couch and I was like, “Oh no, like, what is going on?” Like there was nothing, there was not an incident other than stress at work and stuff like that, but there wasn't an instance like in that moment where I was, I could tie it back to be like, “I'm stressed, I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm ticked off about something.” Um, nothing like that. It was, it was simply a situation where I was getting off the couch. I was probably [00:04:00] maybe, thinking a little bit about the day ahead, but nothing where it was overwhelming. Um, you know, fast forward to two days later, I'm in a meeting at work, and with, with all of my peers, so like 20 different people in this conference room, and I'm having a panic attack. I stand up and fortunately my, my boss at the time, like I had confided in her that this happened and, you know, very vulnerable thing to tell your boss, but she was fantastic. So she brought me right in and it was like, “We're not playing around with this. You're going right to this clinic right now. We're going to get this figured out. Or at least get you some help right now and then get you figured out later. But let's just get things stable for you. Let's get you checked out. Like, let's not mess around.”
Dr. Karen Nelson: So huge.
Corey: Very huge. Like, I don't know that a lot of other people would, would [00:05:00] in that moment put two and two together. A lot of, like, there's still a, a, I find in the world today there's still a culture of grind it out. We got to get through this thing. The work's the priority, not the person.
Dr. Karen Nelson: A hundred percent.
Corey: Yep.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Absolutely. Kind of no matter what, right?
Corey: Yeah. Yeah. And fortunately, she didn't see it that way.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Oh, that's so huge.
Corey: She was very, like, very invested in me as the individual. And that carried forward as I started my recovery journey.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Oh, it's so big.
Corey: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And so, you know, kind of acknowledging this anxiety was really present. I thankfully had a boss that was able to kind of, you know, capture it in the moment. Make space for you to access help. I think sometimes there's so much shame around like, there's something wrong with me that I can't cope with this. I'm not going to tell anybody about it and to enter into, you know what, let's talk to somebody about this and explore potential treatment options. What I would like us [00:06:00] to do, you so beautifully are describing kind of this, you know, moment of awareness, I'd actually like to journey back a little bit now with all your wisdom in that space of reflection. Where do you think some of those eating disorder behaviors may have started for you?
Corey: I was definitely a kid that liked to be active. I definitely am a kid that, and an adult that struggles with like ADD, so I was very, you know, all over the place, but in a good way. I was a three sport athlete, so I was basically always in locker rooms and there would always be people that would, you know, make a comment like, “Hey, look at you, you're looking a little flabby,” or something like that, right? You try to laugh it off as a kid, but for me, they, they had an impact and they stuck with me and they still like, I, I, I actively will have thoughts out of nowhere. I don't know where the heck they come from, but where I'm like remembering conversations about these different things and, [00:07:00] and kids can be cruel and, and whether it's intentional, cruel, whether it's just joshing around, you know, it, it, words can always have an impact and you don't know who it's going to impact, when it's going to impact them, and how severe that impact is going to be.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And so some of those comments, we will acknowledge that, you know, teasing happens a lot.
Corey: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Bullying is very real. You know, I think a lot of teens and adults can reflect back on times where, you know, someone's throwing jabs at them and how deeply impactful that is. And it starts to potentially change the narrative I have in my brain. If I'm getting all of these messages from people saying that I'm, I'm, you know, weird or ugly, or I don't look good, I might start to develop that internal dialogue in my head.
Corey: It's hard not to because you're going to see yourself potentially as how the other people in the world see you. [00:08:00] And that's what I took on. I took on other people's perception of, of how I thought they saw me, whether it was based on a passing comment, whether it was based on some actual bullying, um, somebody making a comment in jest, everything stuck, and it all drove to these behaviors that became very, very toxic for me that I didn't know at the time were toxic, but you know, I knew they weren't good, but I, I also didn't recognize the impact that these, these choices of wanting to not be around people and wanting to numb out by overeating and eventually binging and these choices I was making was to escape. Like I wanted to run away from it.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I like how you describe again, like one of the benefits of evolving into adulthood is we can turn around and reflect. And sometimes we do have a different [00:09:00] perspective, right? Or we can gain understanding of like how we can have so much compassion for you as just this teen kid who's, you know, working his butt off, super athletic, but yet, maybe some of these even comments that might have come out of jest or joking, they did kind of hit you in a way.
Corey: Oh, they crushed me.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Absolutely.
Corey: They absolutely crushed me.
Dr. Karen Nelson: For sure.
Corey: You know, at the time I didn't know it, but in reflecting back through the recovery journey that we've been on together, yeah, no, I was, you know, devastated to, to, to hear these things and then to not have the change that I wanted to have in those moments, which essentially, you know, it's, it's, I'm going to date myself a little bit, but it's the late nineties and like every pop star has got their shirt off and it's all muscles and stuff, so I'm like, “Okay, cool. I'm never going to be that.” Um, but I want to be that. Everybody wants to be that. Like, it's, it's naive to be like, “Hey, you know what? [00:10:00] Like there's so many really cool chunky guys out there,” you know, um, it just wasn't the case. Right.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Exactly.
Corey: So like, you're, the people that you're looking at on TV, the people that you're seeing in magazines, what you're aspiring to be, um, is largely unattainable or at least I felt like it was so like that caused me to spiral.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Can't even begin to describe how much I appreciate you naming some of those factors and how much our listeners will resonate with your story. The, we've talked about it a lot on the podcast, how vulnerable we can be to these messages and images and just kind of cultural messages that we get about what our bodies quote should look like. When you think back on that time, you know, maybe in those earlier interactions around starting to potentially experiment with eating disorder behavior, what behaviors do you think showed up? I mean, do you think it was primarily [00:11:00] binging, you know, even back into high school?
Corey: Initially it was. Yeah, absolutely. Um, there was many a day where I would skip school and I would go binge. I didn't know it at the time that it was a binge, but I would go with friends and we would go to White Castle for 30 days straight, skip school 30 days straight to go to White Castle at different points, you know, not the whole day.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Exactly.
Corey: Sorry, mom.
Dr. Karen Nelson: We do not condone this behavior.
Corey: No, no, no. Yeah, kids. Don't do this.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Don't do this, kids.
Corey: And you know, I would, I would also go to like Buffalo Wild Wings and I would play trivia and then I would just spend all of the money I was making at my part time job, putting it back into food, putting it back into essentially numbing out because I was embarrassed. And instead of maybe leaning more into, “I'm just going to hit the gym super hard,” or “I'm going to be restrictive with my food.” I went the other way. I was, “You know what? Screw it.” Like I, I [00:12:00] am, I'm going to make myself feel good.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That’s right.
Corey: And doesn't mean that I'm going to put in the work and go to the gym and lift all these weights and have a six minute mile or whatever, right? I'm going to make myself feel good in the moment and forget that these things were ever said or that these feelings were ever a thing.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And so I would numb out, I mean
Corey: I would numb out. Yep.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That statement resonates for so many of the patients that I work with.
Corey: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Right? And as a teen it makes sense that I just want to figure out how to feel better.
Corey: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And so now in kind of reflection you notice that I think I was using food to not feel.
Corey: 100%.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I get it.
Corey: Yeah in, in, this recovery journey as, as I, I've referred to it as, cause that's what it's been, um, yeah, that's exactly what I was doing. You know, during that time, my [00:13:00] mom was fighting cancer, and I had to make some difficult decisions around some sports as well about what I could and couldn't take on as I was helping take care of the family. My dad was working nonstop to help make ends meet and they had a baby, um, a couple of years before that. She was four as we're going through all of that. I wanted relief. I wanted to feel numb. I wanted, yeah, like all of those endorphins that come out while you're doing it. I had that feeling one time and I was like, “You know what? I want that. I want that again and again and again. I don't want to feel this. I don't want to deal with this.” And I'm, I'm 16 at the time.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Do you have compassion as you kind of reflect on that?
Corey: For myself?
Dr. Karen Nelson: Yeah.
Corey: Oof.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Corey, we’ve worked on this.
Corey: I do now.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Good.
Corey: If you would have asked me 10 years ago, absolutely not. That was the start of me losing control of my body and becoming overweight. Throughout the three [00:14:00] sport athlete time and being 18, I had, I was fine. Body looked okay. I could live with it. Four years later, 22. I'm close to 300 lbs. I am judging and shaming to the point where I didn't leave the house. I was so embarrassed and and so mad at myself and like the things that I wanted at that time I wasn't wanting to pursue. I wanted to just eat and that was about it.
Dr. Karen Nelson: In that space of reflection, oftentimes people are like, “You know, what, why don't we, why do, I don't want to do childhood stuff, Karen, I don't want to go back and talk about that, like that, the past is the past.” But as you describe your story, I think it so beautifully describes when we tell the story, we start to understand the factors that were deeply influential for how and why that behavior showed up? [00:15:00]
Corey: Yeah. I believe that to be true. I think if I didn't put in the work in looking at my childhood and being curious and trying to identify some of those things that happened, those triggers or what have you, I mean, I don't know that I would be in the place that I am today where I haven't had a binge in a couple of years, three years, four years, something like that.
Dr. Karen Nelson: It's huge.
Corey: Like 2019, I think was the last time I had a binge now that I'm actually putting numbers in my head to it.
Dr. Karen Nelson: So significant, Corey.
Corey: Yeah, so like that, without putting in the work the years prior because this wasn't something that happened in a day, this isn't something that happened in a week or a month, like this is years of work that you and I put in together. And it changed my life, but I needed to be curious. I needed to put in the work. And if I didn't, nothing was going to change.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That’s right.
Corey: I would be just going down the same path that I always traveled or, you know, it's kind of the diet mentality. It would get better for a little bit and then you slip, and then for [00:16:00] me, I'm such a perfectionist. I'm trying very hard not to be.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Right. Recovering perfectionist.
Corey: Yeah. And it's like, okay, well I missed a day or I slipped up on this day and you know what? Nothing matters anymore. I messed up the one time, so I'm going right back to what I know.
Dr. Karen Nelson: The all or none.
Corey: Yep.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Absolutely.
Corey: 100%.
Dr. Karen Nelson: As you've so beautifully described, maybe help our listeners kind of see that evolution. So what I'm really hearing you talk about, you know, an athlete in school, you know, you're this teen, you're doing these, you know, several sports, family life, as most of us, right? Family is a component, family stressors, maybe some academic stressors, and the binging started to evolve out of that, that space of stress.
Corey: Absolutely. I would say, more than anything else, it was the emotional toll that it took on me that really froze me up mentally. If that makes any sense. So all of the [00:17:00] emotions that I had tied to everything, all of the guilt, the shame, the angst, like I hated myself. I had to work through that, and I didn't want to be around people because I was so mad at myself that I didn't feel like I deserved that that joy of having friends or being around people because I might negatively impact their behavior. I might negatively impact how they're living their lives because I'm such a miserable bastard to be around.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Oh, I just hear you. I mean, it's just heartbreaking, right, when we go back and kind of visit kind of the mental headspace you were in back then. It sounds like so much suffering.
Corey: I think the word I would use, suffering, yes, but it was exhausting.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Oh, you got it.
Corey: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Absolutely. You know, we talk about sometimes like the collateral damage is a word I'll use around the eating disorder, how it occupies our brain space, but it also can impact [00:18:00] relationships and work. It impacts family and connection. It impacts, you know, potential loves. It impacts, it just impacts all the things. And that's what I really hear you talking about. You know, the, because of so much emotion that I didn't really know what to do with and this internal angst. I love that you used that word. I was trapped by all of that. And the eating disorder, that's, that's the piece that it's so important for us to highlight. We start to understand the function of the eating disorder. The eating disorder in a kind of a weird, crazy way was trying to solve that problem. The eating disorder was present and it sounds like just, you know, kind of general mental health stuff was going on.
Corey: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: We have a lot of evidence and we know that the eating disorder often for most people co-occurs with other mental health disorders and so many, many people who are diagnosed with an eating disorder also [00:19:00] hold a diagnosis of potentially depression or anxiety. Any memories back then, anyone ever, you know, express concern, like, “Are you okay, Corey?” Maybe not about the eating, but just around mental health. What do you remember?
Corey: I did a really good job of hiding it up until the panic attacks started.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Oh, good point.
Corey: Once the panic attacks started happening while I was at work, I was, you know, promoted into my role and I had a lot of new responsibilities. I, that's when that stuff started becoming more of a thing. I would meet with different doctors as I'm trying to figure out the panic attacks and am I having a heart attack or is there something bigger going on that I need to figure out right now? And they had me fill out a questionnaire which I filled out a million times now, but it was my first time in that moment filling that one out and they're like, “Hey, man, you got some stuff going on.”
Dr. Karen Nelson: Right. Absolutely.
Corey: Have you ever seen a therapist? Have you ever talked to anybody? And I was like, “No.” [00:20:00]
Dr. Karen Nelson: No. I don't do that.
Corey: I’m not doing that.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Right. For sure.
Corey: That sounds dumb.
Dr. Karen Nelson: For sure. Exactly. Right, or the the, I think again, that perception of like, who goes to therapy? We're going to talk about this in a moment. Eating disorder diagnoses, that's, women are diagnosed with eating disorders. This misperception that happens and when that happens, it potentially can limit access. And so again like the value of having conversations and saying like, mental health actually impacts everyone.
Corey: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: If you're alive and breathing, you also probably have feelings. It's what I've discovered as a therapist. And if you have feelings, there may be some that may at times become intense. And therapy becomes a way for us to have a safe space to explore that. I think there still maybe is somewhat of a stigma around therapy or what do you, what do you remember?
Corey: Absolutely. Yeah. So at that time in my [00:21:00] life, nobody in my family had ever gone to therapy, not a single person, whether it was in my, you know, my parent, my brother, my sister, my aunts, my uncles, my grandparents, like none of that, like nobody would even bat an eye at that. They wouldn't even give it a second thought. It just wasn't a part of the culture in, in my family. And I got to a place where, like, this is shortly after the panic attacks. I woke up one day, I couldn't stop crying. Don't know what the heck it was. No idea. It wasn't tied to anything. It was just like, “I can't control this emotion right now.”
Dr. Karen Nelson: 100%.
Corey: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Well, and I think too, when I potentially have spent my life doing a lot of suppressing of emotion, and again, never are we ever, you and I talk about this a lot in therapy, we're not naming it to judge it, we're naming it to just acknowledge it. If I haven't [00:22:00] had a lot of practice naming, identifying, or tolerating emotion, no wonder it can feel absolutely overwhelming when they show up and demand to be felt. Sometimes people will mention if they feel certain types of emotion, potentially sadness or panic, um, depression, that they're weak, that there's something wrong with them. I think sometimes there's also a stigma around not being too emotional as a man.
Corey: Sure.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I don't talk about my feelings. Men shouldn't cry. I'm supposed to contain it, like what comes up? I mean, do you, has that ever been some internal dialogue that you have struggled with?
Corey: Of course. Absolutely. I think, um, for me, that definitely showed up early in my career, especially as I was becoming more of a leader and a manager and really wanting to show up for my team. And [00:23:00] sometimes that also means being very vulnerable. And that's how I found myself connecting with my team. And I would oftentimes, if they're going through it, yeah, I'm going to shed a tear. I'm human. I stopped trying to fight that stuff because it wasn't serving me. Like I want to be real with my people. I started becoming way more emotional as I started going on this recovery journey because instead of fighting the feelings and putting them off, embracing them in that moment and working through it served me way better. I was able to connect with the people I was with.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And that's the thing. Emotion is there to give us information. The emotion isn't good or bad, but I think we put so much judgment on like, “I'm only supposed to feel the positive ones” or again, that idea of like weakness if I cry or if I shed a tear, you know, if I'm vulnerable with someone. It [00:24:00] just helps me be human actually.
Corey: Right.
Dr. Karen Nelson: When you think about receiving that diagnosis of, I have an eating disorder, were there any thoughts of, you know, do I belong at Melrose? Are eating disorders for women? Again, cultural messages that come up, like only a certain type of person is diagnosed with an eating disorder. What do you remember about that?
Corey: Yeah, so I think, you know, societal things definitely played a factor. You know, therapy’s for weak people. You'd hear that in the media back then a lot. Um, so that was definitely in my head as well. Um, eating disorders are for women. Absolutely. Heard that one all the time, still do. But for me in that moment, I knew that I had a problem. I knew that I was suffering. I knew that I was struggling, and I knew that I wanted to feel different. My body was telling me through the panic attacks that I had [00:25:00] reached a breaking point and that I can keep making myself feel this way, or we can try to change course. One of those two things had to happen.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Well, and I think making that decision to engage in treatment, to enter into the program at Melrose, to acknowledge like, “Okay, yep, I have an eating disorder. This is a real thing.” Just simply by making that commitment to attend therapy, you kind of declare, and, and start to demonstrate through your behavior, eating disorders actually, they happen. Eating disorders do impact men. There, there's, it's just part of the human experience for some. We all unfortunately struggle in different ways, and eating disorders are present. That, I think that's, again, one of the goals of the podcast is for us to share that information that they don't discriminate between men or [00:26:00] women. They, they impact men and women both. They impact all genders, all socioeconomic statuses, cultural backgrounds. They can impact all of those spaces. And by you even just accessing treatment, that becomes a declaration and a statement to others like, “This is a real thing. It's valid. I deserve recovery.” It’s so huge, like, I'm so proud of you.
Corey: Oh, thank you.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Like, it's so big, it's so big, Corey. It's so big.
Corey: Yeah. I think, you know, in, in the journey itself, um, yeah, that was something that I noticed right away when I would come into the waiting room, there were no men. It was definitely something that stood out to me. And then later in group, I was the only man in group therapy, like there was no other man there. I'm totally comfortable with that. That wasn't something that made my journey any more difficult being the only man there, but it was definitely something that was hard not to notice. I think for [00:27:00] me, I had to let that go, like acknowledge it, but let it go. Like, it's not something that needs to be top of mind right now. What needs to be top of mind is putting in the work. What needs to be top of mind is showing up for everybody else in group and hearing their stories, hearing their struggles, offering support where I can, and, and really just making sure that it's a safe space. That was my goal. That was what I wanted to commit to that group. And I know that, you know, having a man in that situation, it can definitely change the dynamic of a room. And I, I wanted to do everything I could to alleviate that. I felt like if I could be vulnerable in that moment and, and really showcase, like, “Hey, like, yeah, I'm a guy, but I got the same struggles that you have.”
Dr. Karen Nelson: That’s it.
Corey: And I am totally [00:28:00] committed to this journey, and I'm supportive, I'm listening, I'm participating.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And you belong here.
Corey: And I'm judgment free. Like, this is safe. We're good.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right.
Corey: Or at least try to give that impression.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Absolutely. And the group that you're talking about, you participated in the binge eating disorder group.
Corey: I did. Yes.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And the magic or kind of power of the group experience, you've described it, is that space of connection.
Corey: Mhm.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Having the bravery, I'm just going to name it, to kind of share my own story, is what I hear you saying, of being vulnerable, identifying these are the things that I'm struggling with, and then also hearing others, their descriptions, and then starting to give feedback to each other. I mean, it's just magical what can happen in group. Sometimes what people share with me, especially in group, you know, those first couple sessions can feel obviously awkward. We may be openly discussing something that I quite frankly have worked to never [00:29:00] discuss with anyone.
Corey: 100%, yes.
Dr. Karen Nelson: So it's like, “Oh, well let's walk into this room. And for, you know, two hours, let's talk about something that I've quite literally never spoken out loud with anyone.” And the theme that comes up again and again, as the group continues, they’re 17 week groups, oftentimes people acknowledge that there are so many common threads that weave through the group, right? Maybe the actual data around the trigger feels different, but we all have triggers, so we get to connect in that. Maybe the data around exactly what our binge behavior looks like might look a little bit different, but we all struggle with the emotion and the guilt after the fact. That is what's so unique about group is to hear, “Okay, some of these factors may be different, but the emotion for most people can feel very similar.” When we think about the evolution of treatment for you, so what I heard you [00:30:00] acknowledge is after the diagnosis, you were paired with an individual therapist.
Corey: Yep.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Met also with a dietitian.
Corey: Yep.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Eventually got into group. You did the binge eating disorder group, so those were kind of the main components of your treatment.
Corey: Right.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Okay. What has treatment been like for you? You know, has it been just a straight, you know, trajectory upward and, you know I'm leading you, Cory.
Corey: Yeah, I do.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Help our listeners know.
Corey: I do. I apologize for laughing, but yeah, no, I mean, it is, it's never as easy as, alright, I attended these things and now I'm good.
Dr. Karen Nelson: That's right.
Corey: Yeah, no, it was very much a situation where I, I continued to struggle for a while. It wasn't a situation where there was just a, a switch that was flipped and everything magically got better. It, it took months. It took years. It legitimately took years for me to start making progress, and I know that sounds scary. Everybody's timing is going to be different. And the way [00:31:00] things click for people is always going to be different. It's not one size fits all. If it was recovery would be a whole heck of a lot easier for everybody. For me, it took legitimately years for me to kind of figure out what worked for me. What were the things that I could do if I felt a binge coming on that I could go to and, and it would become a way for me to either lessen the, the chance of a binge happening or eliminate the binge happening at all. And some of that was behavioral. Some of that was finding hobbies and different things that I could take my emotion and, and put it into, so art became a big thing for me. Podcasting became a big thing for me. And then writing, like creative writing became a big thing for me, so like I found outlets and ways to re-engage my brain in a different way. Done. Now is I kind of [00:32:00] have a group of people that I can go to, you know, whether it's my parents, whether it's my wife, whether it's my brother or sister that I feel like I can come to judgment free and just say, “You know what? This situation is horrible. It sucks. I'm mad, but it is what it is. And I can't change that.” But what I can change is how I show up. What I can change is the behavior. What I can change is the, the action that I'm, I'm, I'm opting to take in that moment and yeah, like it's intentional. You have to be very intentional, and you have to recognize, at least for me, like, okay, this is like, historically, this is where the binge happens. This is where I start to lose control. This is the thing that is burning at the back of my brain telling me, “Hey man, BK is on the way home. We can totally make a stop.” Um, [00:33:00] and saying, “Nope, I'm choosing to do something different.” I'm, I'm intentionally putting action in place to call my brother, to call my wife, to text a friend and just say, “Hey, you got a minute, can I talk to you about something?” And that's what helped me. I needed to let people in. I need to be vulnerable.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Beautiful, Corey.
Corey: Took so long.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Like, as your therapist, like, oh, I am just beaming with pride for you.
Corey: Thank you.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I mean, because we know the work, right?
Corey: Yeah, yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: And I like that you just clearly name this wasn't just a, I was diagnosed and then the next week the behavior stopped, that it does take time and attention. Here's what I know for sure, for sure, is that feelings come in waves.
Corey: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: They cannot stay at the peak forever. And when we start to have lived experience, that's what I really [00:34:00] also hear you talk about, Corey, is some of the experiments we would do, like, let's notice, let's pay attention. What is it like if I'm really curious about if a stressor happens? What do I feel immediately when the stressor happens? And then what if I intentionally check back in with myself in 30 minutes, an hour, two days?
Corey: Yeah.
Dr. Karen Nelson: I do feel different.
Corey: Oh, 100%.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Totally. Totally.
Corey: No, I mean, yeah. You could still have feelings associated with that original, you know, moment of, of this hit me like a freight train and I felt so intense in that moment, but maybe it's dulled in 30 minutes or maybe it's a totally reframed conversation of like, “Okay, well now I feel totally 180 from where I was before.”
Dr. Karen Nelson: At this point in your journey, Corey, do you consider yourself fully recovered?
Corey: I knew this question was coming, and I struggled with it. I think [00:35:00] that I could definitely say that I'm in a good place now, but I don't know that recovery ever stops. I think that there's always the need for intentionality, so I would say that I'm in a, I would say I'm in a good place. I don't know that I would ever feel comfortable just saying, “Yeah, I'm recovered. I'm over it. It's gone. No big deal.” Um, I would say that I will continue to work hard and if it happens again, if there's a relapse, if there's a reoccurrence, I'm going to do everything in my power to try to tackle that head on, to use the things that I know that work, and if I need to develop new skills, to be really open about that, but I would say I am, um, I'm happy, I am in a good place, and I'm excited about whatever the future holds, and that's all I can be right now.
Dr. Karen Nelson: It's one of the reasons that we call these stories Living Recovery because to me it feels like recovery is alive. It evolves and it moves, it shifts and it's changes, right? [00:36:00] It's not a place, it's not stagnant.
Corey: Right.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Like you said, it's life.
Corey: I think so long as you're, you're still putting in the effort to carry all of that forward with you, you're nailing it.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Corey, there are likely listeners who are working on their own recovery, any messages to them?
Corey: Don't give up. I know that's the most generic thing I could say, but honestly, um, the, the, the easiest thing to do is to quit. The easiest thing to do is to to put yourself in a situation where you're like, “Screw it. I'm going to binge. Today sucked. This is not working.” It's okay for things not to work. It's okay to fail. It's okay to, you know, experience defeat. It stinks, but it's not the end of, of the world. That's not the end of your life. The, the, the best thing I can [00:37:00] offer as far as advice is take the L. Take the loss. It's going to be fine. Wake up the next day and be like, “Alright. Here are the things that, that really, they hurt. They kicked my butt and I don't want to feel that way again. So what can I do to actively make a change in my life?” But quitting, I mean, nothing gets better with quitting. If I could say, “Hey, here's what recovery was like,” The, the path to recovery, I should say, it is, you got to put in the work, otherwise you're not going to get to that, that aha moment.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Corey, you're just an inspiration, and hearing your story,
Corey: That’s so weird to hear.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Just breathe it in. Haha! All kidding aside, your story just beautifully demonstrates kind of what the evolution of recovery can look like. And just deeply proud to know you and [00:38:00] to have been the one to have worked with you.
Corey: Thank you.
Dr. Karen Nelson: Thank you. If you or a loved one are suffering from an eating disorder, we're here to help. Call 952-993-6200 to schedule an appointment and begin the journey towards healing and recovery. To learn more about Melrose Center, please visit. MelroseHeals.com. Melrose Heals, a conversation about eating disorders, was made possible by generous donations to the Park Nicolette Foundation.